Amazing love...

It seems like it was decades ago that I shared the miraculous story of how AJ became ours.  Yet, it also seems as if those days were just yesterday.  I remember every emotion, down to the deepest part of my very being.  The exuberant joy.  The overwhelming grief.  The fear.  And the mixed raw emotions that allowed us to peek into the very heart of Jesus.  All of these feelings, balled up into what became one huge miracle, a little boy we would forever call our son, A.J., and how he and the woman who gave him life, forever changed ours.

So, if you've not read it before, grab yourself a coffee and sit back, while I share with you our story, written 11 years ago, with God's fingerprints all over it.

March 22, 2006

Today we held our beautiful son for the first time. 

This is our story.

Leaving the house at 5 a.m. to meet our birth mom
at the hospital.

We arrived at the hospital a little before 6 a.m.   With very anxious nerves, Scott and I hugged one last time before entering the elevator doors that would lead us to the "birthing suites".  The thought of reading those two words made my eyes well up.  We walked in and approached the two nurses behind the desk. I said we were Scott and Ohilda Bombardier and that we were the adoptive parents for our birth mother.   The nurse kindly said, "I know exactly who you are!" 

  

I could not believe the day had arrived! We were having a baby!

I looked at Scott and gave him a nervous smile.  I asked if our birth mother was already there, and she said, "Yes."  Then she said, "Follow me and I will show you to your room."  She took us to a typical hospital room, pretty bare with the exception of two side-by-side hospital beds, with a separate small bathroom that consisted of a toilet and a sink. No shower, which was fine.  We didn't want a shower, we wanted our baby.   

After putting our things down, she asked if we wanted to go to the BM's room. Scott and I guardedly nodded and we were led to the other side of the hall across from our room.   We knocked and heard, "Come in".  With shaking hands, I opened the door slowly and walked in to the  "birthing suite".   A very nice room with a sitting area for family.  As we entered, we noticed there were two other people in the room.  One I knew was our birth mother's step-mother, the other was a man.  We had no idea who he was, since to date, we had only met our birth mother.  I went over and hugged her and she said in a cheery, bright voice, "I'm ready!!"   I hope that as I journal through this journey, I can bring forth even a  little of what a magical spirit this amazing young woman has.  God has taken us on paths that have been long and winding, and ones we said we'd never travel, yet here we were, face to face with a birth mother, doing a domestic adoption, and meeting not only her, but her entire family, at her request.  We gave it to the Lord and continued to believe that His plan was perfect.  I had not seen her in quite some time so I was pretty happy to see that her belly was quite large.  :) 

The nurse came in shortly afterwards and asked us to go to our room until she completed some of the prep needed for the c-section.  Scott, the step mom, the "unknown" man, and myself walked back to the other side of the hall and sat in our cold, bare room.   At first, it was very awkward.  The conversation was slow, but it picked up momentum.  After a bit of conversation, I realized the "unknown man" was AJ's birth Dad!   That made my heart leap with joy.   I had a face to tell our son about, and it warmed my heart that he was there to meet the family that would be raising his biological son as their own.   After what seemed forever, we went back to the birthing suite and watched as nurses, anesthesiologist, and doctors came in and out....all in preparation for that glorious moment, the birth of Arthur Joseph Bombardier!  

Less than 1 minute after AJ's biological great-grandmother came in, she sat down, looked at us, and said, "Are you the adoptive parents? Do you mind if I interview you?"    This older lady seemed to be the matriarch of the family.  My knees buckled.  That cold room seemed to  be closing in on us.  My head kept asking me "What are you doing here?" yet, my heart knew that I had to trust God and that our son was waiting for us.  We smiled and said, "Sure!"    Scott and I walked across the room.  I sat next to her on the couch and Scott sat to her right in a chair.  She looked at me dead in the eye and said, "This is very important.  Is this child going to be raised in a Christian home?"  I tried so hard fighting back the tears as I tried to get the words out.  Partly relieved that this was the easiest question in the world to answer, and partly scared to death.....I put my arm on her shoulder and said, "I promise you!  Christ is the center of our lives and the reason we are all here today.  This is our miracle baby and we would not have him had it not been for Him orchestrating ALL of this." She then smiled and said, "That is all I wanted to know.  This baby will be in the home he deserves to be in."  From that moment on, I felt a sense of relief, that all was well and that Jesus was present.  For the moment anyways.   

The plan was, for our bm to stay in recovery for 1 hour with the baby.  The c-section was scheduled to begin at 7:30 am, and if all went as planned we'd be holding AJ in our arms by 9:00 am.  So, as scheduled, she was whisked off to the OR at 7:30, while Scott, her Mom, Grandmother, birth Dad and I stayed in the room awaiting the news of his birth.  The nurse told us we'd hear something in about 45 minutes.   Those were the longest 45 minutes of my life!  Finally about 50 minutes later, her step-Mom walks into the room and announces that AJ has made his entrance into the world.  A beautiful baby boy weighing 6 lbs. 9 ozs. and 18 inches long opened his eyes into the world at 8:07 am.  The BM and he were both doing well, and would be in recovery for another 45 minutes to an hour.  The waiting continued.  Shortly afterwards, it was reported  to us that it would be longer than what we anticipated because the bm wanted to spend time feeding the baby, etc.  

It was then that I let my fears get the best of me.  I had given my camera to the nurses who shot many pictures during the delivery and then others during the recovery period.  As I scanned through the pictures, I noticed picture after picture of the love that this woman had for her child.  Tears streaming and soft kisses in many of the pictures.  Her feeding him, loving him.  The ugly side of me began to appear.  I felt like this was MY baby!  She had said so!  I should be feeding.....I should be kissing.  The very selfish side of me wanted all that she had.  I couldn't bring myself to put myself in her place at that moment.  To think about the pain and the raw emotion that she was enduring at knowing that she had just given birth to one of God's most beautiful creations, and she was going to simply hand him over to another woman.  Selfish me only wanted a baby.... that baby.....again, MY BABY!    

Back in the room, after being told for the 3rd time it would be at least another 1/2 hour, I decided I couldn't take anymore.  Scott kept reassuring me that God was in control, but my faith was slipping.  This was not part of the plan.  We should have had him in our arms an hour ago.  I told Scott we needed to get out and get some fresh air.   We excused ourselves and went down to the cafeteria.  It was about 10:30 am.  There was no way I could eat, I didn't know what else to do but cry.  I called my friend who was reporting back to the wonderful adoption community that was praying for us and begged her to please put out a post that we needed prayers....fast!  My mind was already hearing the words, "I'm sorry!!"  Scott ordered breakfast, and I got a small fruit tray.  We sat down at a booth in the corner of  the cafeteria far from anyone's range of hearing.....and I just bawled.  I cried until there was nothing left inside of me.  My eyes stung and my heart ached.  I just wanted it all to end.....good or bad, I couldn't take much more.  Yet, my rock, Scott, kept saying to me, "Ohilda, how can you even question it when Jesus was sitting on the couch with you?  It could have been anyone.  That woman could have  asked how much money do you have in the bank, instead, she asked about Christ being in our lives?  How could you question that?"  His calm, passive, demeanor was astounding to me, especially as he looked me square in the eye and said, "I don't have a worry in the world.  God is in control!"

I toyed with my fruit for a few minutes longer and felt like I was crawling out of my skin.  I then said, "Scott, let's go back to OUR room.  Let's pray.  I don't want to be with the family.  I want to be alone."   I wanted to drown in my misery without having to hide my emotions.

Again, we went up the same elevator doors that we had entered joyously 4.5 hours before.  As we turned to head towards our room, we noticed even more family members had arrived.  OH NO!!!!  I was getting sick to my stomach.  Before we could dodge out of sight, they had seen us and waved.  We had no choice.  We had to go back.  There were probably 8 people outside of the room speaking, many newcomers who were just being whispered to that we were the "adoptive parents".  I felt like I was being looked at as if we were stealing someone's baby.

Keep in mind, this was ALL me....my thoughts, my fears, my insecurities.  Not one person in that room made me feel that way.  The door of the room was ajar and we knocked lightly on it as we proceeded to walk in.  I enter before Scott and I suddenly freeze.....there she is, the woman who had promised us she would entrust this treasure to us, holding one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen.  I tried to speak, but words just did not come out.  As I slowly made my way around the bed, my mind raced, it was clouded with thoughts, and through this blurriness I hear the words, "AJ, I think there's a lady who is dying to hold you.  Your Mommy!"  

Our tiny bundle of pure perfection.   The epitome of James 1:17.

I turned to Scott, shame poured over me and I just buried myself in his shoulder and cried...and cried, for what seemed forever..  I sat down in the chair beside the bed as she handed  over this teeny little person, all wrapped up in blankets with the sweetest little face.  His bottom lip was tucked in as if pouting and little furrowed brows surrounded his tightly shut eyes.  I couldn't believe it.  It had happened.  Even after I lost faith, after my shameful thoughts and behavior, after all the negativity, God still loved me, unconditionally.   This was going to be our child.  I was holding our youngest son.  I melted into the surroundings and nothing existed for a moment, but my son and myself.  I couldn't hear anything, or see anyone around me.  It was a moment frozen in time.  It was real.  I was holding our baby!  I then composed myself somewhat as I appeared to have come out of the moment and realized that Scott was also a part of this.  I turned to him and asked....."Do you want to hold him?"  SILLY QUESTION!!  He said, "Of course!!!"   The family was now all in the room, since when we walked in, the nurses had asked everyone to step out except for the birth mom, birth dad, and step mom.   The family was commenting on how beautiful AJ was,  and shedding just as many tears as we were.  The only difference being that theirs were tears of joy mixed with, of course, tears of sadness at their loss.  This family was amazing.  They humbled me.  The love and  support that they offered our bm was one I have seen very few times in my life.  BUT....they shared that same love and support with us.   Every family member told us how happy they were that WE were the ones raising  AJ.  They shared with us that  they felt such peace about it.  That our love for him was so evident that if there had been any doubt in their minds, it was all erased at meeting us.

Overwhelmed with joy and God's goodness!

This added to the shame I felt for my selfishness.  I so wished there was another solution to this.  All I could do was thank them all and promise them, with everything I believe in, that we would cherish this child to our dying breath. Their words...."We know."    We were then asked by the bm, again, this young woman, who's strength and courage could only be admired, if we were ready to go spend family time alone.   I bitter-sweetly nodded and we slowly wheeled our new son, in his bassinet, down the hall into our room.  Little did I know how much deeper God was going to pull me in the next day, and how He would crush the judgmental stigma that I had allowed my brain and heart to believe...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Tell Me Again, Mama!

"Tell me again, Mama!"

Those four words are not uncommon around our household.  We've been hearing them for a few years now.

Apparently, there's been much talk lately, as there has been in the past, about the rights and wrongs, of what the story behind our children's life, before they came into our families, is.

I believe each family should find the words that work for them.  Our family has found that the truth is the answer, especially with our Chinese children.  But, it relates to all three.  As a matter of fact, it relates to all six of my precious babes.  

TRUTH.   There is such power in that word.

I've heard people tell their children from China that their Mamas loved them so much, that they were left in a place where they could be found, and that they tried to care for them, but they weren't able to.  That all may be true, but we have no 'real' proof'.  We may believe in our hearts the information we were given, because it seems like the logical explanation when a child is left in a very public place such as a hospital, train station or orphanage steps, but that still isn't enough truth for me.  I wanted proof of their story.  I wanted it to be true, not just what I wished or hoped it was.

So, when in doubt, I do what I always do.  I pray.  I search for God.  I seek His answer.

When we decided to adopt, I knew these were questions we'd someday face.  "Why didn't my Mom keep me?", "Did my Mom love me?", etc.  So, my praying began long before I saw their precious faces.

I skirted around a bit with the above suggestions, but something just didn't feel right.  That proof, that truth wasn't there.  I wanted to be able to look them in the eyes and with all my heart know that what I was telling them was solid, not just the desires of my heart to ease their loss.  

Then, one day while reading God's Word,  He clearly spoke the truth to me.  I had my answer!  A perfect answer.  A truthful answer that could not be unproven or denied because it had come from His infallible Word.

“All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before 

one of them came to be."  ~ Psalms 139:16 

That's where their story began.  It didn't begin the day their birth Mamas realized they were carrying a child in their womb.  It didn't begin the day that they gasped their first breath of air.  It began before time began.  It began before they were even a thought in the minds of any human. It began in the mind of God.  That's how special they are!  They were chosen.  Not chosen by us, but chosen by their Almighty Father and Creator.

The story pretty much goes like this:

Once upon a time, way before time began, God decided he would make a beautiful and perfect baby. A baby He knew would bring Him glory.  But first, He needed a very special lady to bring this baby into the world.  So, He searched and searched for someone special enough that He knew would say, "Yes!  I will bring this baby into the world."  

Then, He planted the seed in that special lady's belly that formed the baby and the baby began to grow.  Oh, how quickly that beautiful baby grew and grew!  Just as God had planned.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful.  Psalm 139:13-14

But God, who of course knows everything, knew that this baby would not stay with that special lady, because He had other plans for him.  Plans that were as special as the baby He had chosen.  

He didn't stop at just making the baby. God wasn't done yet.. That was only a small part of His plan.  As that baby grew and grew, God had more planting of seeds to do. This time, He planted seeds in hearts.  Two hearts in particular.  He planted seeds in the hearts of a Mama and Daddy.  He knew that the two people He has chosen loved Him very, very much.  So, one day He whispered into their hearts, "I have a beautiful and perfect baby for you." God smiled because He knew this family would do what He asked, and they really, really wanted this beautiful and perfect baby.  But most importantly, God knew this family would teach this baby about Him and His amazing love.  God also knew that the baby would love Him so much, that even as a small child learning about Him, this child would begin to share Him with the world. The child would speak to others about Him in places most grownups don't go to share Him, like schools and playgrounds. 

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5 

Time went by and finally, this baby was born into the world.  Because God had already placed in the birth Mama's heart that she wasn't keeping this baby, she followed through with another plan.  She chose for him to be adopted.  Yes, the same way that Jesus adopted us, His children..

The baby was watched over and protected by God until the perfect family He had chosen for him, was able to bring that baby home.  Boy, did it seem to take forever!  Although they were a little impatient, especially the Mama, they knew that sometimes God's timing does seem like forever to arrive.  So, they waited....and they waited,. and they waited, all the while trusting God.

The Mama and Daddy knew time was getting closer.  Every day they woke up wondering if this would be the day.  Then one day, there was a phone call!  The phone call they had waited such a long time for.  Their baby was ready and waiting for them to bring him home!  Oh, that Mama and Daddy cried lots and lots of happy tears, They also thanked God, over and over, for His miracle and His goodness, because they knew that God always keeps His promises.

Not long after, they saw that beautiful baby for the first time ever.   The moment they held him, they knew....it was perfect.  All of it.  God's plan.  The baby.  Their family.  God smiled from Heaven when the family was finally together, because He knew that indeed, it was perfect. (Of course, everything He does is perfect!)

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good". - Genesis 1:31

At last, they all went home as a family.  The baby joined his brothers and sister and lots and lots of other family members.  He was loved and he loved back with all his heart, because he knew that God loved him so very much, that He made a special plan just for him.  A plan that He makes for all of His children that ask Him into their hearts.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

The best part of the story is that the baby grew up knowing the truth.  The real truth.  The truth that said that he was so loved by God, that He handpicked him and chose him, out of all the millions and millions of children in the world, to fulfill His purpose, and bring Him glory.  Wow!  Can you imagine what an honor is it to be chosen by God for something like that?!!

This truth filled the entire family with joy, and they all lived happily ever after.

The End.    
©Ohilda Bombardier    


Shortly after sharing their story with the kiddos, I hear those words, "Tell me again, Mama!"   What joy it brings into our  hearts that our children realize, not only that they are treasured and adored, but they know, that they know, that they know,,,,who they belong to, their real Father, Jesus Christ.  While the world may want to add all the messiness about their beginnings, how they were found, where they were found and even trying to guess the 'why' of it all, into the equation, the fact remains that their days were ordained for them, even before time began.!

So friends, that is our story.  No, not just the baby's story, but all of us who are blessed and honored to have been adopted and chosen into the family of God.

If you're not sure if you belong to that family, please don't hesitate to ask me.  I'd love to share i it  with you, and Jesus would love to call YOU His child.   Email me HERE.

 

'One Born Every Minute'

Leaving the courthouse with our little man on our first Forever Family Day!

I have so much to blog about, but tonight, specifically, my heart wants to share about domestic adoption. I don't know how many of you have watched the show 'One Born Every Minute' on the Lifetime channel and to be honest, tonight was the first time I've watched it myself. My son came running upstairs to tell me it was on and it was about a birthmom placing her twin babies up for adoption. I, of course, immediately flipped the channel to watch. All I can say is, "Wow!" Ironically, the littlest person in this house, our domestic baby, just turned five this week. FIVE!! Rarely is there a day that goes by that I don't think about how God has blessed us. Yet, ironically, the love is so huge that sometimes I forget he wasn't born in my womb. (Actually, that's even happened with my Chinese babies, too! Shhh!!)

I digress.

What I really wanted to say is that adoption is the most amazing gift you could ever experience. There is nothing in the world that it could be compared to. I have given birth three times in my life. Each and every time it has been a life changing, incredible experience, but it was 'safe'. It was, for the most part, something you prepared for. You knew the outcome, God willing, would be a sweet angel in your arms, after nine months.

With adoption, it's not like that. At. All. Tonight, I am only focusing on our domestic adoption because of the roller coaster of emotions that I was reliving while watching the show.

Your heart soars with every thought that there is this 'chance' that you could bring a baby you've been dreaming about home with you. And a few minutes later, your heart feels like it's going to rip apart because of the fear-filled possibility that the birthmom will change her mind. This cycle happens over and over. A part of you understands, or tries to understand the pain and grieving that she will be going through after that baby enters the world. Yet, the ugly, selfish part of you, the part of you that feels that you could offer that baby everything he or she deserves, doesn't want to have any empathy.

As you wait to hear the news about this little creature's arrival, your mind spins out of control. Between the grandiose dreams of motherhood and the horrible, negative thoughts of being rejected, the spectrum of emotions is so vast that an ocean could run through it.

Then it happens. The moment everyone in this triangle has been waiting for. The baby takes it's first breath of air. He enters the world. I could only imagine the thoughts that go through the birthmom's mind as she hears those first cries. My heart shrivels up thinking about the decision that she will be making.

How can you ever, ever repay anyone for a gift like that? Giving this child life and handing them over for someone else to raise, in my eyes, is the most unselfish act that any woman can ever make. There just aren't enough thank you's in the world that could scratch the surface of how you want to express what it means for you to be given the opportunity to be called "Mama".

While watching tonight, I felt like I was back in that hospital room almost 5 years to the day. Watching the birthmom's pain on the TV set was like watching the pain in our own birthmom's eyes. Watching the anxiety and finally relief as the adoptive Mama held her babies, was like feeling my own anxiety and finally relief as we walked out of the hospital with that baby boy.

If this is just an iota of the love that God feels for us, His adopted children, it's a love that I can't even wrap my brain around. I worship my God. I adore my husband. But the love for my children, all six of them, is an unexplainable, protective love that knows no boundaries. Blood may be thicker than water, but a mother's love for something that has been given to her by God himself is stronger than any human can logically understand.

I am thankful that my heart knows and tells me that these are not my adopted children. These are my children. Period.

I am blessed.

We are blessed.

We are blessed beyond measure.

Thank you, Jesus!

Lord, please, I pray that you abundantly bless our birthmoms that have so unselfishly chosen to say, "Yes" and give life to your most perfect creation, a baby. Our babies. Father God, fill their hearts with your peace knowing that their children are loved and treasured beyond anything imaginable. Amen.

In Honor of National Adoption Month

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.

Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.

Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.

Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.

- Rita Laws, PhD

So sad, with a thankful heart.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. - John 10:10

Today, a friend shared THIS LINK with me. My eyes welled as I read of the agony that this mother must have gone through as the precious child she had carried close to her heart for eight months, was cruelly ripped out of her womb.

While China's one-child policy still very much remains in effect, this heinous act happens world wide.

After reading the article, I feel a need to take a moment to thank our precious angels' birthmothers for their courage and tenacity. I pray that God bless them abundantly. Although, we will never know the circumstances of what they went through to assure the birth of their baby, we do know it must have been a difficult path to walk. I pray that God fill their hearts with his unexplainable peace and that they may somehow know deep in their hearts how happy, loved and treasured their babies are. It is a gift we could never repay. We are reminded that the miracle of adoption blesses our lives every single day when we look into the faces of our sweet babies.

This post wasn't intended to be about the upcoming elections, but it is inevitable for me not to bring it up knowing that we can stop these atrocities from happening in our own backyard.

We are God's children. We have the opportunity to make our voices heard and remove from office those that agree on the killing of millions of innocent babies. We can make a difference. Please vote on November 2nd!

Heartwrenching!

I don't know if many of you have heard about this case, but as I watched the video, my heart shriveled up and tears ran down my face. I believe this scenario is the reason why many adoptive parents choose to adopt internationally. I know for us, it was very high on the list.

If you have read our AJ's story , who was adopted domestically, you'd know that our initial reaction when asked about adopting domestically was "No". Besides the cost, compared to an international adoption, one of our biggest reasons was just that, we knew that the possibility that we might ever lose a child was more than our hearts could bear.

That said, I am so incredibly thankful that God laid out the plans perfectly and that we were obedient to His calling. We not only had a wonderful attorney who informed us of the importance of both biological parents agreeing to terminate their rights, but we were immensely blessed to able to meet both of AJ's biological parents. Then, and only then, after it was clear that everyone was on the same page, did the attorneys go forward with the process.

My heart just goes out to this family. I cannot fathom the thought of one of my children being taken from me after 3 years. While I feel the biological father in this case is legally entitled to raise his son, I think that it would only be common sense on everyone's part, beginning with the judge, to put the child first and give this sweet boy a transitional period, instead of ripping him away from the only parents he's ever known and placing him with a total stranger who lives in a completely different state.

When I see cases like this happening, I sometimes wonder, "Are we in the U.S.?"

I do know that adoption is not for the faint of heart. What do you think?

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Those kinda feelings...

For days, maybe weeks, I've been feeling a nudging to write this post. No idea how or what it will turn into, but bear with me while I try and transform some of the thoughts in my head into words.

I've been thinking about adoption...a lot lately. Our lives are by no means tranquil or empty. So, it's not that I feel the need for more children. Life in the Bombardier household is well, it's chaotic. It's busy. It's exhausting. But, it's our life and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I often wonder if sweet hubby thinks differently when he's trying to play a game on the computer, read a book, or watch a football game and has kids coming to him for all sorts of reasons. Once in a while when I feel bad for him, I ask. Sometimes thinking I may hear that he's wishing for calm, peace, quiet. But he's never yet responded with anything like that. On the contrary, my wonderful, sweet hubby loves his life. I love my life. We both love and live for our family.

Don't get me wrong. We love calm. We love peace. We sometimes really love and desire quiet. But when I think or imagine my life without all the hustle and bustle. When I think of what it would be like without the "he took this away from me" or "she won't move out of my way", I shudder inside. Then, when you throw in the "Mama, I'm tired. Can you carry me?" or "Mama, you're the bestest Mama in the world. I love you soooooo much!", my heart just turns into mush. I don't ever want to stop hearing those little voices. Many times, the hustle and bustle isn't even us. It's them keeping busy. Our home is filled with laughter and giggles and much running up and down stairs, in between couches and in and out of rooms. It's filled with a hormonal teenager wanting to be left alone and minutes later, coming to curl up with me or tell me about a TV show or something that she's reading. So, while we're obviously a very average family, why is it then that I feel that we are extraordinarily blessed?

I'm guessing you are thinking why am I rambling and what does this all mean? It means that I would love another child. I would love to be blessed again by another sweetie looking up and calling me, "Mama!", even if it is followed by a whiny complaint that someone was unfair to them for some crazy reason, like not wanting to be their best friend.

I'm not making any grand announcement that we are adopting again, because sadly, we're not. What I am trying to say is that I don't think the feeling of wanting to be a Mama for the seventh time in my life, is one I know my heart will never stop yearning for. It's a feeling that I have been trying hard to learn to live with.

I am the last one to go to bed at night and I couldn't tell you, as I do my rounds of kisses while they are sleeping and give everyone one last tuck-in, how blessed I feel. Sometimes to the point of tears. Joyful, thankful tears. I have been given the most amazing and incredible job in the entire world. And I'm thinking that to ask God to allow me to do it again, even if it's only one more time, would just be plain selfish of me. But Lord, I'm thinkin' that you may not really be against that kind of selfishness. I'm leaving it all in your hands.

They were born in my heart

"By adopting a child and helping them reach their potential, they help us reach ours. An adopted child is not an unwanted child; to the contrary. They are a child who was searched for, prayed for, cried for, begged for; received by arms that ached, making empty hearts full. Love is meant to be shared." - Author unknown

Adoption: The Heart of God

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you've come a long way, baby!

I've been pondering what to blog about tonight and went back and forth on a few topics right before going to check in on the little ones for the last time this evening.

I went to each one of my sleeping angels and as customary, pulled their covers up around them, tucked their sleeping buddy (i.e. baby pillow, plushed animal,etc.) into their limp little arms, and gave them one last kiss goodnight.

My little miracles. Words cannot ever describe how madly in love I am with these babies.

Every single one of them hold such a huge piece of my heart.

But tonight, it was my beautiful Chinese princess that stole my heart.

As I tucked her in, she quickly reached out and in her sleep, held my hand, opened her eyes and smiled when she saw it was me. Then, just as quickly, she immediately closed them again and fell back to sleep.

My heart swelled.

As every orphan, her little life before coming into our family was very difficult. Then, probably around the time she was just getting accustomed to that life, strangers appeared and whisked her away into a world where everything that she had ever known was now gone. People. Language. Smells. Food. Everything imaginable in her life changed, in a heartbeat.

As I sat on the edge of her bed, listening to her rhythmic breathing and as always, in awe of her beauty, I thought back on the last 30 months of our lives with her.

I thought about how the miracle of adoption, which started with us wanting to give to an orphan a life they wouldn't othewise have, resulted in us being the recipients of the most amazing gift we could have ever imagined.

I thought about how my precious girl has come such a long, long way.

I thought about how normal our lives are becoming.

She no longer is the little girl that used to stand in the corner of the room waiting to see if she would get invited to join in on the pillow fight or the tickle fest or the stories being read. No, now she's usually the one that initiates the fun or is the one to come running with a story book and ask for me to read it.

She is no longer the little girl that would smell cookies coming out of the oven but refuse to ask for one or accept one because of the fear that an act of kindness may tear down the wall she worked so hard to build around her. No, now she's the one that not only asks for that cookie, but asks for seconds or thirds and walks away pouting (something she'd never do because that would show her feelings) when she's told, "Two cookies are enough."

She no longer is the little girl that would look at me with piercing eyes that reflected a combination of fear of abandonment and a desire to love and be loved. No, now she's the little girl that loudly proclaims, "You the bess Mama in the hold wirl." or "We a family fohevah!"

She's a happy, confident, thriving and loving little girl.

As I sat there, for a split second, I wanted to wake her. I wanted to look into her eyes and tell her how very blessed I am to be her Mama. I wanted to cradle her in my arms and rock her to sleep again. I wanted to make up for the first 26 months of her life that she didn't have a Mama's arms to hold her when she was tired, or scared or just needed cuddling.

But I didn't. Instead, I let her continue to sleep and whispered to her how much I loved her. I softly told her I was the luckiest Mama in the whole world. Then I pulled her covers up to her neck, gently kissed her soft cheek and walked out of the room thanking God over and over for having chosen ME!

Yes indeed, I am the luckiest Mama in the whole world....six times over!

Orphan Sunday

Today is National Orphan Sunday. Please pray for the 147 million orphans in the world who are waiting for their forever families.

Also pray for the families considering adoption.

Over one third of Americans seriously consider adoption, but only 2% actually adopt.

Every orphan needs a forever family.

Psalm 68:6 - "God sets the lonely in families." Could you be one of those families?

We are forever thankful for two very special little orphans that God placed in our hearts.

two rays of sunshine in the dark

We all know that we shouldn't drink and drive. But it's when you read stories like THIS one that it stops you in your tracks. This is reality. Every parent's nightmare. Thank goodness for this family's faith. Only God could pull you through such a tragedy. They now have two very special rays of sunshine to fill those cloudy days.

Their story appeared on the Today Show:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Please don't drink and drive. Care enough not to let anyone else do so either. It may be your child's life that is saved.

heartbroken

May you be giggling in Jesus's arms, sweet child.

Many of you may remember this precious child, Lavender Banks. Lavender came home at the same time our own angel, Anna Grace, came home from China. Her mother, Sabrina, pleaded with the adoption community to rally around her as she fought C*CAA denial to bring Lavender home because they had found out she was black. The discrimination moved just about every heart in the adoption community and letters, phone calls and emails started pouring out. I remember pleading God for her to be allowed to bring Lavender home. In the end, sweet Lavender was united with a forever family.

August 5, 2009, her mother, Sabrina, after a year long investigation was arrested for Lavender's murder. Yes, the murder of her beautiful 3 year old daughter that she fought so hard to bring home. She is charged with committing murder, assault resulting in the death of a child under 8 years of age and endangering a child’s life. I don't understand how she pleaded for help to bring her home, yet disappeared from the community much less plead for help if she was struggling with her?

To say I am angry and in complete shock and disbelief is an understatement. I just cannot wrap my mind around this. Oh, how many families would have loved to cuddle this baby girl and show her the love that she so desperately deserved and left the orphanage for.

Just another reason to thank God again for the privilege and honor to be the Mama to 3 special angels. After reading this news today, through tears I knelt before each one and gave them each a big squeeze, reminding them how much I love them and promising them that they will forever be protected, loved and cherished. Our children are our lives and our biggest blessings. Please give your own babies an extra hug tonight.

Lavender, although you never knew it, you were so loved by many strangers and prayed for by so many. You made a huge impact in your short time on this earth. You will forever be remembered. God bless you!

Fun with The Ferrills

Adoption has not only changed my children's lives, but it has changed ours in just about every aspect. The rapport between adoptive families is something that is almost indescribable. We all share an unspoken bond that transcends the fact that many of us have never physically met. So, when we actually do get to meet another adoptive family, especially one that lives hundreds of miles away, it just makes it even more special. Isn't God awesome how he can bring strangers together and make them feel like they've known each all their lives?

Monday morning, I packed the van, packed the kids and headed to Orlando, three hours away, to meet one of my favorite families, The Ferrills. They absolutely blessed my socks off!

This beautiful, God-loving, homeschoolin' Mama of seven, with the sweetest southern accent you could ever imagine, made our rain-drenched day sunny.

Then there's the children. Oh my! I don't know which one I could possibly claim as my favorite, because they were each sweeter than the next. Almost edible. Really. And polite is an understatement. Kudos to their parents for doing such an amazing job! They all ran to the door to greet us when we arrived. I tell ya, when I grow up, I wanna be like Laine!

The two youngest, Kimmie and Quan, were even more precious than I imagined. Quan is a little replica of Kai, except much more sedated (although Laine disagrees) and Kimmie is a beautiful, little lady. I could've easily packed them up and brought them home with me!

Candace, the lastest addition to the Ferrill family, just grabbed my heart and ran with it the minute she flashed me one of her smiles! Boy, oh boy...Mr. Ferrill better keep that shotgun by the front door with these girls living there.

Next is the most adorable red-head I've ever met, Carlie. She was so kind and welcoming, immediately sharing her toys with our little ones.

Then there are the two boys, Clay and Colby, ages 9 and 11. What perfect little gentlemen. Some day those boys are gonna make some very lucky ladies proud.

And last but not least, Amanda's newest buddy, Katie Lyn. She offered to prepare peanut butter sandwiches for the entire crew (14 of us!!!). She's truly got a Mama's heart and the love for her siblings just oozes out of her.

I also got to meet someone very special to the Ferrill family, Kylie Watkins. Remember this name, because chances are very good that you may be seeing Kylie on the runway of the Miss America pageant! You see, in February of this year, Kylie was named 2009 Miss University of Mobile. A huge accomplishment! Now in June, she is competing in the Miss Alabama pageant.
Please keep her in your prayers because this young lady is exactly what America's teens and young girls need as a role model. She is not only stunningly beautiful, but has a genuine love for the Lord and for children. Kylie, we're rooting you on in Florida! Godspeed all the way to the Miss America crown!

Now, onto the good stuff you've been waiting for, if you haven't already scrolled down and peeked!

It was really tough choosing which pictures to post, so I tried narrowing it down to some of my favorite moments. I do admit though, that the pictures don't really do justice to the good time we had.

Our two families, minus my two big boys and our hubbies.

(Front row, left to right: Carlie, Candace, Quan, Anna Grace, and Kai.

Back row: Laine, Katie Lyn, Kimmie, Clay, Amanda, Colby, Kylie, AJ and me. Whew!)

Anna Grace and Quan. Wouldn't it be neat to see them like this in 20 years? :)

Laine and my silly boy, Kai.


Amanda and Katie Lyn ready to pass out PB & J sandwiches.

"Choo-Choo!" Kylie leading the crew of little ones back to the condo.

Laine sneaking in some AJ "sugar", as he calls it.

I think AJ was asking, "Mama, are you sure we aren't in China?"

Heading back from the playground. Carlie holding Anna Grace's hand, while Kimmie and Quan hitch rides.

The beautiful Miss Kylie (remember to keep her in your prayers!!) and the lovable Miss Candace.

Ooohhh, I could've eaten Kimmie up. She is so sweet!

And last but not least, my hero and dear friend, Laine Ferrill.

Laine,

Thank you so much for having us. It truly was an honor and a blessing meeting your family. We had a wonderful time and the kids have done nothing but talk about your family since we got in the car! AJ wanted to know why we weren't going back after playgroup today since he had told you, "See you in the morning!"

From myself, Amanda and the little ones....a great big hug to all of you!

For those of you that could handle even more kiddo cuteness, click HERE!

just imagine

(Thank you to my friend Terryn, for letting me steal borrow this from her blog.)

(Remember to scroll to the bottom and turn off background music.)

NO HANDS BUT OURS

NO HANDS BUT OURS was designed to be a resource for special needs adoptions from China. This informative site has been a long time dream for an adoptive Mama, Stefanie, in order to help families considering, in the process or home from China who may need resources. Most importantly, it was created to help the waiting children of China possibly find their forever families. Along with Stefanie, three other great adoptive Mamas, Rebecca , Tonggu Momma , and Amie from Heart Smiles, collaborated in this wonderful mission.

Please check out the site. Here you will find information about specific special needs, links and resources, family stories (including our own sweet Kai's story - I'm working on Anna Grace's), agencies, as well as information about current children who wait. A place where anyone who is considering the WC program or at any stage of the process can find answers as well as encouragement to help them along on their journey.

As many of you know, I am the very proud Mama of two amazing special needs children from China. Adoption is my passion and special needs children are at the top of that list. My sweet Kai was born with a severe cleft lip and palate, and our Anna Grace was born with Poland Syndrome, which includes limb deformities. They have both been immense blessings in our lives. Words cannot describe the love I feel for our children, all 6 of them. But, as I've said many times before, there is something so very, very special about these waiting children. My heart shrivels up and dies when I think that Kai, coming from such a poor orphanage, would never have had his palate, with the degree of severity he had, repaired. He would have never spoken. I cry at that thought. Our Anna Grace would never have had her hand corrected and she would have had to live with a a disability for life that is so easily corrected in our country. Yet, so may children in China will have to live their lives without the medical care they need. That is their reality. It's heartbreaking. Especially when so many of these special needs are so easily corrected. Some children even have corrective surgery before coming home. Then there are the older childre who are placed on waiting list just because of their age. They are perfectly healthy, but with every day that passes, their chances of being adopted and belonging to a family become smaller and smaller.

Please, consider opening your heart to a waiting child, whether you are starting the process or are in the very long wait for a non-special needs referral. Visit NO HANDS BUT OURS and see if maybe your child is waiting there. If there is a special need you've been praying about, check out the resources or the family stories. Feel free to ask questions and inquire about your concerns. There are so many children still waiting for their turn to be a part of a family and your family may just be the one!

I know in our own lives, Scott and I often speak of our dream to someday go back to China and bring home another cleft-affected little man. That dream has been placed in God's hands because of China's restrictions. But, your dream may be just paperwork away.

You just never know who's reading!

Before I post what I want to say, I want to remind you to please pray specifically for two sweet angels that are in surgery this morning.

Teddi Winder, who happens to be the precious daughter of my dear friend Tina at One Blessed Nest. Teddi is in surgery this morning having her palate repaired. Please pray that all go well and that her palate remain intact without any fistulas forming.

UPDATE ON TEDDI! "Teddi came through her surgery well. They were able to close her palate completely. She's been sedated most of the day and is cranky while awake. Thanks for all your prayers! Please pray for a restful night and that we get to come home tomorrow."

And of course, continued prayers for Susannah, who is also in surgery this morning. Again, Susannah's blog is HERE. Also, be sure to read today's post! It's definitely a "God thing"!

UPDATE ON SUSANNAH! PRAISE GOD SHE IS OUT OF SURGERY AND ALL WENT WELL!!!

Now onto my title post, You Just Never Know Who's Reading!

This morning I awoke to a message in my email that stated that someone had left me a comment on my Guestbook. I was quite excited because although I receive emails and comments on my blog all the time, most people don't bother with the Guestbook anymore.

This message was extra special though. It was from Jan Beazely. Remember Jan Beazely? She is the remarkable author of the book The Strength of Mercy that I am giving away! I feel so blessed and humbled that my little blog was read (even if by chance) by someone who has helped so many. Since my Guestbook is public, I have posted below her entry.

Thank you again Jan for taking the time to write. You are a faithful servant doing God's work and it is so very evident by the blessings in your life that you have shared with so many.

Dear Ohilda!

It's around three in the morning Portland Time and I couldn't sleep. So I started scrolling through blessing blogs and websites since I am going to be designing and doing one for AGCI called Small Blessings! named after our magazine and our gift store. As I was scrolling down your blog all of a sudden there's The Strength of Mercy staring back at me. I couldn't believe it! It took me back now almost 18 years ago when our own story was unfolding. Looking back I am always encouraged and pray that other families will be inspired by our story to pursue God's heart toward building their own families. Thank you for sharing my book with those on your blog! Hannah will be 18 in December, can you believe it! She ultimately became the first of almost 2500 children now home from all over the world. Hope all is well with you, watch for the new blog site addition. We'll be sending out an announcement when its up and running!!! Blessings to your wonderful family and to all !

Blessings!!

Jan Beazely

Finally....a date!

After almost a year to the day of OUR visit, Anna Grace will be having her syndactyly surgery at Shriner's Hospital in Tampa.

I have to chuckle at God's sense of humor though. After my ranting on a previous post that I was going to vote early to be done with the elections, the only day available that she could have surgery without having to wait until the next month is November 4th!

I'm praying hard that this surgery be the breaking point that we need so that she fully understands and accepts me as her Mama. Our little girl has indeed come a long way, but those attachment monsters have yet to cease to rear their ugly heads. The past 3 weeks have been non-stop. One night I was so exhausted and resigned to the fact that this was going to be my/our life forever that I completely broke down. I haven't done that in months.

At times it's so hard that I feel like I can't deal with it anymore. It's exhausting. I have to keep reminding myself that I can do all things through God that strengthens me. And although we've been through a year that the baby steps have added up to big steps, it's so difficult to stay focused on that. I know I don't have to explain to those of you that are going through the same issues how it drains every ounce of your being. I digress.

Going back to the surgery. We have a pre-surgical appointment on October 21, and then we need to head up there on November 3rd, in order to be at the hospital by 6:30 a.m. I'm not sure of the details of the length of the surgery or what exactly they will be doing. I will post when I know more. Of course, I will also post as the date approaches asking for prayers for my baby girl. I think I will be having to stay with her alone up there. Scott will be going for the surgery, but do to a new job and the kids' school days, it will be almost impossible for him to be there the entire length of the stay.

Again, I feel like I don't know if I'll be able to handle it all 24/7 alone, but I am looking at it as if God had made all the arrangements and that she will indeed see that I am there for her through her pain and confusion, without ever leaving her side. They did inform me that they have "cottage rooms" for the parents to stay at during the night, but I told them that I would be by her side the entire time, so a room is not necessary. That'll even include meals since they work similar to the hospital where Kai had his surgery and they bring 1 parent up a meal with the child's meal. Hence, no reason to leave her side.

I pray daily that not only her surgery go perfectly, but that her little heart be healed at the same time. That she no longer see herself as a stranger in our family unit. Don't get me wrong, she laughs, plays and is involved in all that we do as a family, but it is still all at our request. Never does she "join in on the fun" without standing back and watching to see if she is invited to play with Scott, Amanda or myself. It's very sad.

She is still receiving speech 2 times per week and her communication is much better, but I do know that there are many times that she doesn't completely understand what we are saying or she doesn't know how to express her feelings. We are working hard on both.

Oh...lastly! I am impressed at the number of responses (and lurkers) that have commented for the giveaway. Thank you! If you haven't signed up yet, you have until this Friday at midnight. I will videotape Anna Grace drawing the winning name on Saturday morning and post it right away!

That's it for now. I have lots of cute pictures to share and will be doing so soon, so please be sure to check back.