"Once our eyes are opened, we cannot pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12



“There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.”- William Butler Yeats





Friday, September 24, 2010

Those kinda feelings...


For days, maybe weeks, I've been feeling a nudging to write this post. No idea how or what it will turn into, but bear with me while I try and transform some of the thoughts in my head into words.

I've been thinking about adoption...a lot lately. Our lives are by no means tranquil or empty. So, it's not that I feel the need for more children. Life in the Bombardier household is well, it's chaotic. It's busy. It's exhausting. But, it's our life and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I often wonder if sweet hubby thinks differently when he's trying to play a game on the computer, read a book, or watch a football game and has kids coming to him for all sorts of reasons. Once in a while when I feel bad for him, I ask. Sometimes thinking I may hear that he's wishing for calm, peace, quiet. But he's never yet responded with anything like that. On the contrary, my wonderful, sweet hubby loves his life. I love my life. We both love and live for our family.

Don't get me wrong. We love calm. We love peace. We sometimes really love and desire quiet. But when I think or imagine my life without all the hustle and bustle. When I think of what it would be like without the "he took this away from me" or "she won't move out of my way", I shudder inside. Then, when you throw in the "Mama, I'm tired. Can you carry me?" or "Mama, you're the bestest Mama in the world. I love you soooooo much!", my heart just turns into mush. I don't ever want to stop hearing those little voices. Many times, the hustle and bustle isn't even us. It's them keeping busy. Our home is filled with laughter and giggles and much running up and down stairs, in between couches and in and out of rooms. It's filled with a hormonal teenager wanting to be left alone and minutes later, coming to curl up with me or tell me about a TV show or something that she's reading. So, while we're obviously a very average family, why is it then that I feel that we are extraordinarily blessed?

I'm guessing you are thinking why am I rambling and what does this all mean? It means that I would love another child. I would love to be blessed again by another sweetie looking up and calling me, "Mama!", even if it is followed by a whiny complaint that someone was unfair to them for some crazy reason, like not wanting to be their best friend.

I'm not making any grand announcement that we are adopting again, because sadly, we're not. What I am trying to say is that I don't think the feeling of wanting to be a Mama for the seventh time in my life, is one I know my heart will never stop yearning for. It's a feeling that I have been trying hard to learn to live with.

I am the last one to go to bed at night and I couldn't tell you, as I do my rounds of kisses while they are sleeping and give everyone one last tuck-in, how blessed I feel. Sometimes to the point of tears. Joyful, thankful tears. I have been given the most amazing and incredible job in the entire world. And I'm thinking that to ask God to allow me to do it again, even if it's only one more time, would just be plain selfish of me. But Lord, I'm thinkin' that you may not really be against that kind of selfishness. I'm leaving it all in your hands.


13 comments :

Sherri said...

You're not alone.....

The Byrd's Nest said...

I know exactly how you feel....thank you for putting those feelings into words!!! You are such a wonderful Mother....I love you my friend :)

April said...

Most definitely not alone!!

mom2-4boys said...

I feel the same way... I fell so blessed, but there is a desire for more!!!

Tracey

ps. Glad you are back, i missed you!!!

Kristy said...

This was a beautiful post and you will never know how it spoke to me, not in the way you might think, let's just say it really helped me see something differently. That's why I love you!

Love, Kristy

Patricia/NYC said...

Absolutely not alone!!!

The Princess's Mommy said...

Right there with you...

Jennifer said...

I get that. Boy do I get that!

geminirn said...

I hear you girl!!

Jill said...

Ohilda, this speaks volumes to me...I DO understand your sentiments here...I don't know if I will every "get rid of" the feeling of "what if we added just one more?" But, then, our lives are insanely busy and LOUD and chaotic and I wonder if I am nuts...but yet...our children stretch us to what we THINK are our limits but God is always there to lift us and help us...aaaaahhh, such a blessing they are to us!! I SOOOOO "get" this post!

David and Sarah said...

Beautiful, Ohilda...and I know just how you feel!

Blessings,
Sarah

Aus said...

Great post - and some cool comments too. From a guys perspective - we really feel the same way sometimes....

And I'll put it on front street - and simply ask a question.....are you sure? I was 51 when we made the last trip to China.....just sayin'.....

It was a great SS too - playing a little catch-up after Marie's shoulder work!

hugs - aus and co.

Anonymous said...

So so so feel this way. Wish housing would come back here in Nevada. Until it does we have to wait.

I sometimes wonder if the feeling will ever go away.

Natalie

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