"Once our eyes are opened, we cannot pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12

“There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.”- William Butler Yeats

Thursday, March 23, 2017



Scott and I returned to our room and were pretty speechless.  We commented on how our birth mother truly loved this child, and maybe it would have been easier if she would have not cared.  All of the stereotypical images we had up until that point about birth mothers placing their children for adoption were tossed out the window.  This was a woman who was clearly making, as she stated, "the most unselfish decision of her life".  She loved this baby with all of her being, and because of the power of this love, she wanted to offer him so much more.   What did she want in return from us?  The easiest thing in the world for us to give her.  The assurance that this baby will always be treasured and that we would someday share with him that she did this out of love. 

The rest of the afternoon we enjoyed our beautiful son.  We were emotionally exhausted.  We took turns holding him for hours on end without once laying him down, with the exception of diaper changing time, which even that, we marveled at.  :)    Around 3:15 p.m., Scott left the hospital to pick up Amanda at school and bring her to meet her baby brother.  I then stayed alone with him.   As I held him, it brought back wonderful memories of being in the hospital with my own biological children.  When first asked by our bm to stay in the hospital the 3 days, Scott and I both thought that would be quite strange, especially knowing we would only be a few steps away from each other.  Yet, she planned everything out so perfectly, with God's hand in it, of course.  I digress.

I held him tightly and even surprised myself at my feelings for this little creature.  I knew without a doubt that I would love him, but what I did not know was how fierce that Motherly love would be....and so soon.  Before leaving the BM's room, we had said our goodbyes to the family. Her biological mother and grandmother were not in there.   Our BM asked if we could return in the evening so they could say their goodbyes.  We, of course, agreed.  As the hours passed by, the thoughts of having to return to the room started making me anxious again.  Maybe her seeing the baby and holding him again would stir up feelings of uncertainty in her.  I know that every moment that I spent with him was another milestone in our bonding.   After feeding he lay content in my arms, eyes wide open, as I gently whispered to him what a miracle he was.  My less-than-a-day old child lay there, listening to me praise and worship our God for this gift.  I nuzzled with him, smelling the "newness" of his skin.  I was so very tired, but could not bring myself to put him in the bassinet.  We had waited so long and I didn't want one second of our time together to be wasted.

Amanda arrived shortly after 5 pm, bearing McDonald's!   I was famished.  It was the best Quarter Pounder with cheese I had ever had!  We took turns eating while AJ slept nestled in one of our sets of arms.   The glow in Amanda's eyes was one of the most heart-warming moments in my life.  She instantly fell in love with her little brother.  How could she not?  He was perfect.  After dinner, Scott went to the room to see if the family was back so we could say our goodbyes.  It took 3 attempts until they were finally there.   We gathered ourselves together.  Placed AJ in his bassinet and once again, wheeled across the hall to the now familiar birthing suite.   After knocking, we enter and there is his bm, looking as emotionally drained as I felt, and her Mom and grandmother sat on the couch.   She greeted us with her beautiful smile, as we walked in.  I introduced Amanda to everyone and then took AJ out of the bassinet and handed him over to her.  I was taken back a bit when she asked if she could remove his little knit cap to see his hair.  She was asking me?   This was her child.   She had the scars both on her abdomen and in her heart to prove it...yet, she was asking me?  God kept showing me the same humility and humbleness that he came into this world with, through this woman's eyes.  She removed his cap, and kissed his head, with the tears once again streaming down her cheeks.  She softly whispered to him how much she loved him and I could see her doing the same exact thing I had done once I had him in the room alone.  How she would deeply breathe in that scent of innocence that babies have. All this while Mom and Grandmother watched intently while making small talk with us.  The bm then looked over at her anxious Mom and asked, "Do you want to carry him?"  She, once again, jumped at the chance.  Another humbling moment.   Here is a woman,  holding her grandchild, her flesh and blood, and yet, obediently accepting God's will.  The grandmother said that she could not bear to hold him, but assured us that God had bathed her in His peace about this process and the decision that was being made.  Again, all we had to offer were promises.   After about 15 minutes of chatting and baby nuzzling, we prepared to return to our room.   This was it.....this was the last time we were to meet with the family, until the BM asked, "Can you please bring him by again tomorrow?" I kept feeling Satan creeping in.  It was a battle between trying to be understanding and humble, yet the feelings of possessiveness would not subside.  He was mine! I didn't want any more bonding to occur.  I didn't want to take any chances, give any possibility of that love increasing even more.

We said our goodbyes again and headed to our room now as a family of four.  Scott and Amanda headed home at around 9 pm.  And again, I was alone with our new son,  and of course, my haunting thoughts.  The night shift nurse came in to introduce herself at about 8 pm and make sure that all was well.   

It was, except that my imagination had overpowered reality.  I held it in and made it through the night.

The next morning, I arose to the small whimpers of a tiny baby.  Scott called shortly afterwards and said he was on his way with Amanda, before school started, and was bringing breakfast.   He arrived shortly afterwards and while we sat enjoying breakfast, AJ's doctor came in.   After doing a thorough check, he said, "He's perfect!"  HA!  Like I needed a doctor to tell me that.  :)   We spent some more time as a family.  I kissed Scott and Amanda goodbye.  Off they went to the routine of their every day life, with the exception that now they were doing it as a new Father and a big sister.  How proud I was feeling!

The hospital social worker handling our case came in to check on me, this time I was in the midst of a meltdown.  Amongst  a sea of tears, I asked the nurse how the birth mom was doing.  She said, "About the same as you.  She had a very difficult night."  I bluntly asked, "Do you think she is going to go through with this?"   She explain to me that this is part of the process.  Normal would be for her not to grieve.  I understood, I really did.  Part of me wanted so badly to tell her I'm sorry....to tell her that I wish that there were two babies.  That there was someway we could do this without pain.   I knew there wasn't.  The social worker responded that she felt that it would go through, but that I need to remain aware that she COULD change her mind.  Oh my gosh!  What did that mean?  Did that mean she was changing her mind?  Did that mean she was having second thoughts?  But just last night she was telling us how happy and at peace she was with her decision.  The mind games continued long after the social worker left the room.

All I could think of was the commitment I had made the previous night by saying, "Of course we'll bring him by tomorrow."  It was not even noon.  If there was a way for me to have taken my baby and run, I would have.  I didn't want to put him down.  I had visions of them coming in and saying, "She's changed her mind.  He has to be returned."  I wouldn't allow it.  I was planning and scheming in my brain how I could keep him.  My thoughts were taking me as high as the Supreme Court. Yet, again, not for one instance, did anyone say anything affirming the fact that she had changed her mind.   I finally call Scott, who was at work, and crying I say...."I think she's changing her mind."  I told him what had transpired in  my conversation with the social worker.   He said to me, "I don't understand.  Your saying she had a rough night?  Right?  She didn't say she was changing her mind.  Why do you go there?"   I said, "Scott, she wants to see the baby again!  How can you sign on the dotted line after holding him?"  I knew that I was too weak a person to ever accomplish such a feat.  Whether or not I knew in my heart it was the best thing for my child, I knew I could never do it.  I'd be selfish.  I'd hold him back from whatever the world had to offer, including a Christian home with a family that would adore him and offer him everything they possibly could....but I could not sign on that piece of paper.  I would only think of me and my feelings.  Scott then said to wait until he arrived in the afternoon and we would go in as a family again.  That she would see how much in love we are with him and it would reconfirm her decision.   My brain just couldn't think of a way to impress upon her our love for him.  It was only words.  There was nothing I could do to prove to her, to give her a glimpse into his future, that would show our love and devotion.  She had nothing to go on, but our word.

The afternoon seemed to last forever.  Finally at 4:45, I call Scott and ask him where he was.  He said he had just picked up Amanda and was on his way.   The ride to the hospital was a short 20-25 minutes.  The BM had asked the nurse if we were planning on taking the baby in to see her.  I knew she was just as anxious to see him as we were for her not to bond, or shall I say "I" was.   I told the nurse to please tell her we'd be there shortly.  At 5:30,  45 minutes later, I call Scott, he said he was down the street from the house! I said, "WHAT???  How?  Why?"   He told me it was raining and that traffic was horrible. At this rate, it would take him 2 hours to get to the hospital.  I was besides myself.  I was angry at him.  How could he do this?   She was waiting!  Again, I just wanted to get it over with.  If she was going to hold him and change her mind, then let's just do it!  Again, I was a point that I couldn't go on any further.   I called my friend again and requested prayers.  That's all I had.  Then, I called Scott back and said, "Forget it, I'm going alone!!"

Well, God in his infinite wisdom, had His plan laid out.  I was supposed to go in that room with the baby alone.  It was not supposed to be "small talk".  He knew my heart needed closure,  as much as hers did.   He once again, even after my showing the flaws of weakness in my faith, showed me His grace and unconditional love.  He held me as I walked towards that door, heart pounding and I knocked.  The familiar, "Come In" was heard and I wheeled in the bassinet.  She smiled that beautiful smile again, almost in disbelief that I was there.  Her eyes showed the same puffiness mine did.  The results of hours of crying.  I apologized for being there so late and said that I was waiting for Amanda and Scott to arrive, but that "for some un-Godly reason" they've been in traffic for over an hour.   A bit of small talk was made and I handed her the baby.   Again, she softly whispered to him and kissed him what seemed to be to be 1000 time to me. 

This time, something was different.  I could feel myself relaxing.  Feeling that unexplained peace.  I knew He was there.  I felt the presence of the Holy Family in the room.  I silently prayed to our Blessed Mother to remain with us.   It was no coincidence that the conversation suddenly turned to God.  We began sharing about AJ's story.  First, the BM's side.  How she came to know about us.  Her thoughts and feelings.   I cried as she poured out her heart.  Then I shared our side, and his story about how we prayed on the way to meeting her the first time.  How God had affirmed to Scott that this was to be our son.   Her Mom then interceded by saying, "I came here with thoughts that I was going to hate you guys.  I wanted to hate you guys.  You never gave me a chance.  It's impossible!  This was meant to be."   Then, as everyone wiped tears from their eyes, our birth Mom said, "I have a gift for AJ.  I hope you like it."   She handed me a beautiful little velvet box.  My hands trembled.  I thought it would probably be a pendant with her picture or something similar.   I slowly opened it, and was in disbelief at what I saw.   An affirmation that our Blessed Mother was present, along with St. Joseph and of course, her most loving son, our Lord, Jesus Christ.   It was the most beautiful rosary I have ever seen in my life!   At that point, I fell apart.  This was a girl who really did not have a lot of religion in her life, although her Grandmother was very Christian, and most of all, she was not Catholic.  I don't think she could have understood how profound the meaning of this gift was at that very second.  I went over to bed and cried.  We cried together.  She laughed and said thru tears, "You like it?"  I said, "Oh my gosh, had you given me a Mercedes SL-500, I would not have liked it more!  AJ will proudly carry this rosary on the day of his first Holy Communion and he will know it came filled with immense love from you and your family!"  Less than two minutes later, in walked Scott.   THAT WAS GOD!!!!!  He knew I needed to know I wasn't alone.  He knew my faith was not strong and I needed affirmations. I needed "signs".  He knew that with Scott present, the mother-to-mother talk would never have occurred.  Yet, once again, He picked me up and told me ALL WILL BE WELL.   

We remained in the room for another 1/2 hour as we laughed and shared in the of the birth of this precious gift.  It was like sitting with family.  She felt like a sister and her Mom and Grandmother could have easily replaced mine.  At that moment, I felt I had not only been blessed by receiving AJ, I had been blessed by knowing this incredible family.  God had opened my heart and filled it with love and peace.  He reminded me (which I so often need) that he was in control.  That He was present, and I could see Him in everyone's eyes in that room.   That night will be one I will never forget and it just made the entire story He created for us even more special.  His fingerprints were all over each and every one of us.   This time, we hugged  and I was the one who offered to stop by and say our final goodbyes the following day after the consents were signed.  Then we, once again, carefully pushed the creaking-wheeled bassinet back to the stark, bare room.  This time filled with nothing but joy and peace.  Entering the room felt like it was filled with beautiful flowers.

Tomorrow would be the first day of the rest of our lives with AJ as our son.

DAY 3 - The day that lead to forever ours.

The next morning, our attorney called bright and early.  He said all was going as planned.  He would be arriving with his witness, with the stenographer that was going to make record of the final signing and would be getting the documentation signed by the doctor that our BM was free to sign any all papers.  The state of Florida requires that any woman that has been under the influence of any medication that may distort their thinking, in our case pain meds because of the c-section, be completely clear of it before signing any legal documents.

We were so close to the end, meaning she was signing off on her termination of parental rights and agreeing to place her child for adoption.

Scott had taken that morning off of work.  We sat, mostly in silence, in our bare room, holding our sweet baby for most of the morning.   Around 12:00 p.m., our attorney came into the room stating that the doctor had signed off.  He had spoken to the birth mom and she was in full agreement to proceed with her termination of rights.  He warned us that her heart was broken.  I knew this.  I knew this with everything inside me.  Again, her strength left me in awe.  I could not have done it. I was too selfish.   He said the choice was ours of whether or not we wanted to say a final goodbye.  She wanted to. We knew it was the right thing to do.  He left the room.

At about 1 p.m., he came back and told us the paperwork was all signed and we were ready to leave the hospital as a forever family.  But, there was that last goodbye still pending.  We had gathered our belongings, dressed AJ and wrapped him snuggly in a receiving blanket and walked one last time across the hall.

She, too, was dressed and ready to begin a new life.  This time, without a child, to carry.  Her Mom was by her side.   Scott and I walked in and we immediately could tell by the swollen eyes she had a lot of time crying.   I said nothing, but with tears in my eyes, walked up to her and handed her the small bundle.  We took a few steps back and let them have some time together, while we made small talk with the lawyer.   She, once again, kissed AJ what seemed like a million times.  Her Mom also carried him, but you could tell she did not want to get too attached.  My heart ached for both of them.  I had been so wrong.  That was the true love of a mother I was witnessing.  Through her pain, she offered her child the best life she knew how at the time.  She offered him a full life.   We made some small talk and then I looked her in the eyes and promised her that we would always treasure him and love him, not as if he were 'our own', because he was our own.  There was no difference between this baby and our biological children.  We assured her our children were just that, our children.

Many tears were shed by everyone.  I think I even saw a small tear in the eyes of our attorney.  We hugged one last, tight hug, and turned and walked out of the room.  We were two mothers who shared a special bond.  She gave him his life, and I get to share that life with him.   But, we not only left the hospital that day with one of the most amazing gifts we ever received, we left with an eye-opening experience and a lesson learned that will forever be engraved in our hearts.

And to think, we could have missed this.  

Fast forward 11 year years. 
Happy 11th birthday, sweet boy!   You are a treasure and a huge gift from above for us.  We love you as much as the whole wide world, and back again. 

Our youngest. Our baby.  Our 'bowl of sugar'. 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Amazing love...

It seems like it was decades ago that I shared the miraculous story of how AJ became ours.  Yet, it also seems as if those days were just yesterday.  I remember every emotion, down to the deepest part of my very being.  The exuberant joy.  The overwhelming grief.  The fear.  And the mixed raw emotions that allowed us to peek into the very heart of Jesus.  All of these feelings, balled up into what became one huge miracle, a little boy we would forever call our son, A.J., and how he and the woman who gave him life, forever changed ours.

So, if you've not read it before, grab yourself a coffee and sit back, while I share with you our story, written 11 years ago, with God's fingerprints all over it.

March 22, 2006
Today we held our beautiful son for the first time. 

This is our story.

Leaving the house at 5 a.m. to meet our birth mom
at the hospital.
We arrived at the hospital a little before 6 a.m.   With very anxious nerves, Scott and I hugged one last time before entering the elevator doors that would lead us to the "birthing suites".  The thought of reading those two words made my eyes well up.  We walked in and approached the two nurses behind the desk. I said we were Scott and Ohilda Bombardier and that we were the adoptive parents for our birth mother.   The nurse kindly said, "I know exactly who you are!" 


I could not believe the day had arrived! We were having a baby!
I looked at Scott and gave him a nervous smile.  I asked if our birth mother was already there, and she said, "Yes."  Then she said, "Follow me and I will show you to your room."  She took us to a typical hospital room, pretty bare with the exception of two side-by-side hospital beds, with a separate small bathroom that consisted of a toilet and a sink. No shower, which was fine.  We didn't want a shower, we wanted our baby.   

After putting our things down, she asked if we wanted to go to the BM's room. Scott and I guardedly nodded and we were led to the other side of the hall across from our room.   We knocked and heard, "Come in".  With shaking hands, I opened the door slowly and walked in to the  "birthing suite".   A very nice room with a sitting area for family.  As we entered, we noticed there were two other people in the room.  One I knew was our birth mother's step-mother, the other was a man.  We had no idea who he was, since to date, we had only met our birth mother.  I went over and hugged her and she said in a cheery, bright voice, "I'm ready!!"   I hope that as I journal through this journey, I can bring forth even a  little of what a magical spirit this amazing young woman has.  God has taken us on paths that have been long and winding, and ones we said we'd never travel, yet here we were, face to face with a birth mother, doing a domestic adoption, and meeting not only her, but her entire family, at her request.  We gave it to the Lord and continued to believe that His plan was perfect.  I had not seen her in quite some time so I was pretty happy to see that her belly was quite large.  :) 

The nurse came in shortly afterwards and asked us to go to our room until she completed some of the prep needed for the c-section.  Scott, the step mom, the "unknown" man, and myself walked back to the other side of the hall and sat in our cold, bare room.   At first, it was very awkward.  The conversation was slow, but it picked up momentum.  After a bit of conversation, I realized the "unknown man" was AJ's birth Dad!   That made my heart leap with joy.   I had a face to tell our son about, and it warmed my heart that he was there to meet the family that would be raising his biological son as their own.   After what seemed forever, we went back to the birthing suite and watched as nurses, anesthesiologist, and doctors came in and out....all in preparation for that glorious moment, the birth of Arthur Joseph Bombardier!  

Less than 1 minute after AJ's biological great-grandmother came in, she sat down, looked at us, and said, "Are you the adoptive parents? Do you mind if I interview you?"    This older lady seemed to be the matriarch of the family.  My knees buckled.  That cold room seemed to  be closing in on us.  My head kept asking me "What are you doing here?" yet, my heart knew that I had to trust God and that our son was waiting for us.  We smiled and said, "Sure!"    Scott and I walked across the room.  I sat next to her on the couch and Scott sat to her right in a chair.  She looked at me dead in the eye and said, "This is very important.  Is this child going to be raised in a Christian home?"  I tried so hard fighting back the tears as I tried to get the words out.  Partly relieved that this was the easiest question in the world to answer, and partly scared to death.....I put my arm on her shoulder and said, "I promise you!  Christ is the center of our lives and the reason we are all here today.  This is our miracle baby and we would not have him had it not been for Him orchestrating ALL of this." She then smiled and said, "That is all I wanted to know.  This baby will be in the home he deserves to be in."  From that moment on, I felt a sense of relief, that all was well and that Jesus was present.  For the moment anyways.   

The plan was, for our bm to stay in recovery for 1 hour with the baby.  The c-section was scheduled to begin at 7:30 am, and if all went as planned we'd be holding AJ in our arms by 9:00 am.  So, as scheduled, she was whisked off to the OR at 7:30, while Scott, her Mom, Grandmother, birth Dad and I stayed in the room awaiting the news of his birth.  The nurse told us we'd hear something in about 45 minutes.   Those were the longest 45 minutes of my life!  Finally about 50 minutes later, her step-Mom walks into the room and announces that AJ has made his entrance into the world.  A beautiful baby boy weighing 6 lbs. 9 ozs. and 18 inches long opened his eyes into the world at 8:07 am.  The BM and he were both doing well, and would be in recovery for another 45 minutes to an hour.  The waiting continued.  Shortly afterwards, it was reported  to us that it would be longer than what we anticipated because the bm wanted to spend time feeding the baby, etc.  

It was then that I let my fears get the best of me.  I had given my camera to the nurses who shot many pictures during the delivery and then others during the recovery period.  As I scanned through the pictures, I noticed picture after picture of the love that this woman had for her child.  Tears streaming and soft kisses in many of the pictures.  Her feeding him, loving him.  The ugly side of me began to appear.  I felt like this was MY baby!  She had said so!  I should be feeding.....I should be kissing.  The very selfish side of me wanted all that she had.  I couldn't bring myself to put myself in her place at that moment.  To think about the pain and the raw emotion that she was enduring at knowing that she had just given birth to one of God's most beautiful creations, and she was going to simply hand him over to another woman.  Selfish me only wanted a baby.... that baby.....again, MY BABY!    

Back in the room, after being told for the 3rd time it would be at least another 1/2 hour, I decided I couldn't take anymore.  Scott kept reassuring me that God was in control, but my faith was slipping.  This was not part of the plan.  We should have had him in our arms an hour ago.  I told Scott we needed to get out and get some fresh air.   We excused ourselves and went down to the cafeteria.  It was about 10:30 am.  There was no way I could eat, I didn't know what else to do but cry.  I called my friend who was reporting back 
to the wonderful adoption community that was praying for us and begged her to please put out a post that we needed prayers....fast!  My mind was already hearing the words, "I'm sorry!!"  Scott ordered breakfast, and I got a small fruit tray.  We sat down at a booth in the corner of  the cafeteria far from anyone's range of hearing.....and I just bawled.  I cried until there was nothing left inside of me.  My eyes stung and my heart ached.  I just wanted it all to end.....good or bad, I couldn't take much more.  Yet, my rock, Scott, kept saying to me, "Ohilda, how can you even question it when Jesus was sitting on the couch with you?  It could have been anyone.  That woman could have  asked how much money do you have in the bank, instead, she asked about Christ being in our lives?  How could you question that?"  His calm, passive, demeanor was astounding to me, especially as he looked me square in the eye and said, "I don't have a worry in the world.  God is in control!"

I toyed with my fruit for a few minutes longer and felt like I was crawling out of my skin.  I then said, "Scott, let's go back to OUR room.  Let's pray.  I don't want to be with the family.  I want to be alone."   I wanted to drown in my misery without having to hide my emotions.

Again, we went up the same elevator doors that we had entered joyously 4.5 hours before.  As we turned to head towards our room, we noticed even more family members had arrived.  OH NO!!!!  I was getting sick to my stomach.  Before we could dodge out of sight, they had seen us and waved.  We had no choice.  We had to go back.  There were probably 8 people outside of the room speaking, many newcomers 
who were just being whispered to that we were the "adoptive parents".  I felt like I was being looked at as if we were stealing someone's baby.
Keep in mind, this was ALL me....my thoughts, my fears, my insecurities.  Not one person in that room made me feel that way.  The door of the room was ajar and we knocked lightly on it as we proceeded to walk in.  I enter before Scott and I suddenly freeze.....there she is, the woman who had promised us she would entrust this treasure to us, holding one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen.  I tried to speak, but words just did not come out.  As I slowly made my way around the bed, my mind raced, it was clouded with thoughts, and through this blurriness I hear the words, "AJ, I think there's a lady who is dying to hold you.  Your Mommy!"  

Our tiny bundle of pure perfection.   The epitome of James 1:17.
I turned to Scott, shame poured over me and I just buried myself in his shoulder and cried...and cried, for what seemed forever..  I sat down in the chair beside the bed as she handed  over this teeny little person, all wrapped up in blankets with the sweetest little face.  His bottom lip was tucked in as if pouting and little furrowed brows surrounded his tightly shut eyes.  I couldn't believe it.  It had happened.  Even after I lost faith, after my shameful thoughts and behavior, after all the negativity, God still loved me, unconditionally.   This was going to be our child.  I was holding our youngest son.  I melted into the surroundings and nothing existed for a moment, but my son and myself.  I couldn't hear anything, or see anyone around me.  It was a moment frozen in time.  It was real.  I was holding our baby!  I then composed myself somewhat as I appeared to have come out of the moment and realized that Scott was also a part of this.  I turned to him and asked....."Do you want to hold him?"  SILLY QUESTION!!  He said, "Of course!!!"   The family was now all in the room, since when we walked in, the nurses had asked everyone to step out except for the birth mom, birth dad, and step mom.   The family was commenting on how beautiful AJ was,  and shedding just as many tears as we were.  The only difference being that theirs were tears of joy mixed with, of course, tears of sadness at their loss.  This family was amazing.  They humbled me.  The love and  support that they offered our bm was one I have seen very few times in my life.  BUT....they shared that same love and support with us.   Every family member told us how happy they were that WE were the ones raising  AJ.  They shared with us that  they felt such peace about it.  That our love for him was so evident that if there had been any doubt in their minds, it was all erased at meeting us.

Overwhelmed with joy and God's goodness!
This added to the shame I felt for my selfishness.  I so wished there was another solution to this.  All I could do was thank them all and promise them, with everything I believe in, that we would cherish this child to our dying breath. Their words...."We know."    We were then asked by the bm, again, this young woman, who's strength and courage could only be admired, if we were ready to go spend family time alone.   I bitter-sweetly nodded and we slowly wheeled our new son, in his bassinet, down the hall into our room.  Little did I know how much deeper God was going to pull me in the next day, and how He would crush the judgmental stigma that I had allowed my brain and heart to believe...


Wednesday, July 2, 2014

this man

I'm pretty sure y'all know by now who this man is

Sweet hubby

He's an awesome husband.

A great father to many:

And a child of God who gently guides and leads his children down that narrow path, daily.

He's also a wonderful, hard working provider for his family.

That's why he did something so incredibly uncharacteristic of himself, that I believe only God could have initiated, for His glory.

This man quit his job.   

No reserve job in the wings.  

No plans for the future.  Just up and quit.

The only thing he had with him when he made this decision was my support, and the reassurance that the awesome God he serves was in the midst of it and has a plan for our lives..

He didn't walk out of a job.  He walked out of darkness and into the truth.  Sometimes, we have to do just that.   Walk by faith, and not by sight.   (2 Cor.5:7)

I'm not really going to go into details as to all the whys, but we've been in prayer for a while for God to shut doors where he wanted them shut, and open doors he wanted to open when it came to his job.

Work became increasingly difficult and circumstances put him in a position to have to decide between his beliefs, integrity and principles, or bowing down to the world and caving into the possibility that he would not be able to provide for his family if he didn't.  In other words, doing the right thing, or not trusting or believing that EVERY. SINGLE. THING. we have, comes from God, Himself.

He chose to be the man he is.   A man of character   A man of rectitude and a man of righteousness.   But most importantly, he chose to turn away from the ugliness the world was throwing at him. and instead to trust God, completely and without reservation.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. 
- Galatians 1:10

I'm not a man.  But, I do know that being a provider and taking care of the family, especially for a man who family means everything to, ranks pretty high up there, hence the reason I say it is so uncharacteristic for him.  It was not a decision he made lightly.  I could not be prouder of this man I am blessed to call my husband.

So, we are once again, another statistic for a nation with the highest unemployment record in decades, albeit not due to the economy this time.

But please, no condolences, because we are sharing this with blessed joy.  

Seriously. Blessed. Joy.

It's been a few days now.  We've loved waking up together and delving into God's Word over coffee, or sitting on the rockers out our front door and just taking in the beauty only God could create.  God has, every second of the day, reminded us that not only is He in control, but He has given us an unexpected and undefinable sense that something great is heading our way.

He has affirmed two scriptures, over and over.  These are Romans 8:28 and 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 
who have been called according to his purpose."


"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

So, as always, to God be the glory for this next twist in our roller coaster lives.  I can't wait to see where He leads us.


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