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As I was laying in bed tonight, I began thinking about all the things I start and never complete. I thought about all the times I pray to God for desires of my heart (not referring to material things) and after a while of not getting an immediate response, I just stop asking. I figure it's not in His will and it ain't happening. So, I don't bother with it.
Isn't that what our kids do when they really want something? They ask and ask and ask again. After hearing a few, "We'll see", "Maybe" or the occasional, "I don't know.", they just stop asking.
Before the holidays, I began feeling this strong nudge from God saying to me, "Draw yourself closer to me. Drown yourself in My Word. Let me lead and guide your life and you will see the changes that you ask for and think I don't hear."
So, I thought I'd once again
fail at attempt to read the Bible in one year. I did that, for about 3 weeks. Then I got so far behind in my daily readings that it soon began to be chapters instead of verses. I think that was the third or fourth time I've attempted to do that. Don't get me wrong. I love the Bible. I have bible study with the kids every morning. We read, learn scriptures, and break apart and digest His word with a deep hunger. So, why I can't do it alone? I don't know.
Then, I tried praying at length daily. I tried finding that quiet time. I feel God's presence with me all the time. I talk to him 100 times a day. I pray while I drive, shower and even walk outside to get the mail. I see His miracles working in my life daily. The fact that I don't have time to sit and be still, is a cop-out. A poor excuse. If I can find the time to edit pictures, chat on Facebook, and peruse the Internet, I certainly have the time to give to God.
I want to feel Him. I want to give Him all that I have. Why is the humanness in me making it so darn difficult?
That all leads me to tonight.
Tonight, I realized, really realized, that God hears every word I say. I just don't give Him the time to respond. Or better yet, I don't give myself the time to see His response.
Tonight, I believe I've come up with the solution to this.
As a little girl, I loved keeping a diary. It was my secret place where I could write my most intimate thoughts and ideas. A safe place where I knew I wouldn't be laughed at or judged for pouring my heart out. But, besides being able to write down those thoughts, my favorite part was months later, being able to look back at that part of my life and seeing how those moments in my life had morphed into something else.
Some of you may think, "This is your brainstorm? A diary?" Well....yes.
A prayer journal of sorts. A diary to God. Writing in it daily, if I can. I'm excited about it because I love writing. Writing by hand. I love reading. And most importantly, I passionately love God! I want to please him.
How cool is that? I feel like I can talk and talk and talk. I know He's listening. Whether it's me speaking out loud or pouring my heart out through writing. He hears my heart. But you know what I am most looking forward to? Just what I looked forward to over 35 years ago, looking back at my writings, months later, and seeing what He's done with me. The thought fills me with a mixture of joy and thrill.
I think I get it now. I am your disciple, Thomas.
But I think it's okay. I think you know that it's not that I doubt you, Father. It's not that I don't believe for one instant, that you can't move mountains or that you don't love me with a passion that is inconceivable, but I am a slow learner. It's just that I respond well to visuals.
I teach my babies every single day to be on the lookout for your miracles. We see them every day, Lord. Whether it's in a baby bird sitting in a nest or a little one with a skinned-knee that was healed with a prayer and kissy, or a beautiful sunset where we announce that you are painting with watercolors, You are there. I have no doubt in you. Whatsoever. But I learn so much easier by seeing.
Father, I hope you understand my enthusiasm when I think that I can empty my heart and soul out to you on paper and then months later, go back and see how your miracles unfolded in my life. To be able to remind myself of those miracles any time I want, just by opening a book, makes me giddy with excitement!
I can't wait to read in awe and wonder about your works and how you transformed me, how you transformed my life. Being able to relive the exact feelings during both the moments of trials and the moments of answered prayers, because they are right there, in detail, in front of my face, is a huge gift. Being able to see how you took my prayers, my pleas, my hopes, my dreams, my sorrows, my fears and molded each and every one of them into Your perfect will, is just icing on the many blessings that you've poured upon me.
Oh, Lord! I wish I had thought of this before. But, with each passing day, like all fathers do, you teach how me to grow and I understand that takes time. I am so thankful for your patience and unconditional love.
I think this was my first journal entry. It turned out to be a public one. Not what I wanted, but that's how it turned out, and you know it came from my deepest part of my heart. I love you so much, Jesus!
Looking forward to talking to you soon, Father. Very soon.
With all my love,
I couldn't ask for a better life filled with lots of kids, an adoring husband, chaos, laughter and more love than you can imagine! That's my life....and I love it!