Maker. Forgiver. Reedemer

Yesterday's post discussed why I've decided not to go private. In a nutshell, it's because I've asked God to use me to minister to others when He feels I should, but most of all for His glory to shine through. He has without a doubt shown me He has done just that.

Back in March when our year began the huge snowball downwards, one of my readers sent me an email. An email I never realized I had received until months later. Somehow, someway, it got lost in the shuffle of thinking my little man might die on us. Time went by and the email became lost in the abyss of thousands of emails I have.

In August of this year, as I was sifting through old emails in my inbox, I came across it. It was unopened. I was flabbergasted when I read it and saw the date on it. Basically, the author stated anonymously that she had something to share that's been breaking her heart for the past 10 years. She told me she had never shared it with anyone and that she had felt, through my blog, that she wanted to share it now. She asked if I would do so. The topic? Abortion.

I immediately thought, "Man! Satan knew that I'd be completely wrapped up in Kai's situation and what a great time that would be to ask me to do something for God."

After reading the email, I quickly wrote back, profusely apologizing for the fact that it had taken me literally five months to respond. This time, it was I that did not receive a response from the person. I was angry at myself that Satan had gotten away with it. Whatever the "story" was, I would never know. But worse yet, God's glory wouldn't be able to shine through it.

Fast forward two months.

The "ordeal" we are going through in our family began October 24. Our world has been crashing down around us since. A few days after the "ordeal" began, another email arrived in my inbox. It was the same person. Once again, she was asking if I would use her story. This time, I wasn't letting Satan get away with it. In the midst of my sadness and loss, I wrote back and said I would. She then explained that she was an abortion survivor. She has considered taking her own life, after willingly taking her child's. But God in His goodness, in His mercy, one day picked her up and showed her that He is a forgiving God. He is a loving God who died on the cross for our sins. The ransom for our sins was paid over 2000 years ago.

She stated to me that although she "has received forgiveness, the pain has never dulled, but she wouldn't want it to either".

To the author of the letter:

You have the living Jesus in your heart. God has kept each of your tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). He will show you that bottle one day and remind you that as each one was being shed and you felt so alone, He was right there, wiping them away.

Although we've never met, I pray that someday when we are both in His kingdom, I am able to see those tears streaming down your face. The difference will be, as we both know, they will be tears of joy. I continue to keep you in my prayers and ask God to bless you. May He fill your heart with His peace until the day arrives that you will hold your precious child.

Here is her story, in her words:

Abortion

Walking slowly to the entrance, Faces Flash
Screaming, all I heard was "don't do it".
Comforted by familiar voices, I sit down and fill out paperwork.
Time passes, I sit and wait
My heart sinks into my womb as they call my name
Time passes, I continue to wait
Young and old walk out barren in womb and soul
but smiles and contentment on their faces
Invisible tears stream down my face
My heart races as another name is called, am I next?
Finally my turn comes
I walk emotionless into a room
and I am prepared for the death of my very own child
Half of my body is stripped
As I feel a soul wrenching chill in the pit of my stomach
I lay down, legs wide open
I accept the fear with tears
Scared, lonely and uncontrolled emotions fill the room
It has begun
A life lasting torture
Stitched into my heart, womb and soul
Pain fills my body
As I let out a silent scream
I felt everything
EVERYTHING
Five minutes later and it was done
I was brought into a room
With others who had just joined me
In killing a small silent miracle, sent by God
I sit there in pain, trembling
My eyes are so filled tears, I can only see fog
I run to the bathroom, I am sick
Very Sick
I cannot move off of the floor
They come in
Pick me up
Clean me off
and send me home
With a bag of pills instead of my baby

Familiar voices tremble
as they help me into the car
They are silent

Days, nights, weeks and months
They pass me but I do not forget
The pain, the shame the forgiveness

A lifetime to finish out the labor of pain and love
For a lost child
A mother without her child
I become lost in a cloud of pain
and all I can say is Don't Do It!

For my precious child, I love you and I am very sorry
you are forever in my heart and soul

going private

Hang on.

Before everyone starts flipping thinking they will be left out of the scoop, I need to explain.

First of all, I am not going private.

I confess.

Lately, I've thought about it. A lot.

I've prayed about it. A lot.

Those who know me well, know that my life is pretty much an open book. My blog for the past almost 4 years has been a synopsis of what goes on in my head, and many times in my life.

Of course, like any parent, I protect my children and family and that's always at the forefront of my mind.

I've had many friends, especially lately, jump over to private blogs. I completely understand and support them. For me? It's not where God wants me yet and I know why.

Although this has been an extremely tough year for us, somehow I've managed to keep God front and center. In the midst of the storm, as I'm gulping water and kicking as fast as I can to reach the surface to take a gasp of air, I almost always praise Him. By no means am I saint. By no means am I perfect. Do I question Him? Way more often that I should. But again, I'm human.

When all is right with the world, it's so very easy for me to turn every blessing into praise. I think it is for most Christians.

But, how well do we do when the storm is feeling like a category 5 hurricane? What do we do then?

With each trial and tribulation, I've really learned that somewhere, somehow, the light will shine through the darkness (John 1:5). That light is His glory.

Throughout the past 4 years, I've received countless emails and comments from readers letting me know that something that I've said had affected them and/or whatever cross they were carrying at that time. That was all God.

I think about those times and am still dumbfounded. God used me, a simple, ordinary housewife and Mama, to touch someone's heart, or even to lead them to do His will. Some people I've known, others have been completely anonymous, including one I will be sharing about very soon. And that's perfectly okay because I don't need to know. God already does. But he takes the simplest of people, the ones who are completely unequipped to take on such a huge role, to do His work.

As I was pondering the huge ordeal our family is suffering through now, I decided to go through some of my archived files. I came across this one. It was written in July 2007. God immediately hit me with the answer to my question, "Should I go private and "share" what's happening with my faithful prayer warrior friends?" The reply was in a short exchange with Amanda, then only 12 years old.

Amanda: Mom, why do you blog and tell everyone about your life?

Me: Well, I don’t tell them everything about our life, but I do share whatever I can when it can be used to glorify God.

Amanda: Yes, Mom. But anything, technically, can be used to glorify God.

Me: Aaahh….exactly. That’s why I blog.

So, as much as I'd like to right now, I'm not going private.

But I do know that, although hearts are breaking, this too will pass and that the light in the darkness will shine brighter than ever. It will be then and only then that I will somehow be able to put into words the cross we've been bearing and continue to bear for the next few months. But we will rejoice with full hearts when at last, we will be able to testify to how the King of Kings carried us through the fire, unscathed. We will glorify Him as we share about when we were in the midst of the flames He taught us compassion, unconditional love, and forgiveness. Everything that encompasses what our Savior truly is.

In the meantime, I will continue to ask for your patience and most of all for your prayers, as you endure through reading my obscure and cryptic posts regarding this situation, that goes beyond our immediate family. Please pray for all involved.

I've asked over the years for God to somehow use me and my little, tiny corner of cyberspace to bring Him glory. I believe He has, even if just in a small way. I pray He continues.

Changes

Major changes continue to roll through our household. God is slowly, but surely, making His presence felt. He is moving mountains and clearing cobwebs out of hearts that have felt pretty broken and untouched for quite some time.

One of the biggest changes taking place is that I am now an official homeschooling Mama! Talk about being nervous and wondering how I could botch up a child's life in record time.

But, I know that it is God's will and somehow, someway, he will equip me to do the job. Just as he's equipped me to handle every other circumstance he's thrown my way that I have felt like throwing back and saying, "But Lord, you made a mistake. Look...it's me! You've chosen the wrong person for the job." It is only when I shut up long enough to listen to Him, that I realize that He knew from the beginning that I would be unsure of my abilities and He also knew that I would need Him to get me through it. He patiently waited for me to get over my tantrum and work my way back to Him. In the end, that's all He wanted. We make it through, and He deservedly receives the glory for being the One to have given me the strength and hope to get to the other side. Alone I am nothing. With Him, I am everything.

Homeschooling will be no different. After much prayer about homeschooling my kids, He answered. It was the right decision. But instead of making it easy for me and starting with a preschooler or possibly even a kindergartner, God decided to stretch me even further and throw a high school student for me to homeschool first. Yep, that's God for ya!

Now onto another topic. Our situation at home. It remains. No answers have been revealed as of yet and we continue to struggle. But we serve a very mighty and merciful Lord, whom without there would be no hope. We have Him. We have hope. Eternal. Hope.

In the end, I know with every fiber of my being that He will be glorified. We just need to hang on to His word, His promise, His faithfulness and His unconditional, never-changing love and we will get through it, together, for His glory.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12