Back in March when our year began the huge snowball downwards, one of my readers sent me an email. An email I never realized I had received until months later. Somehow, someway, it got lost in the shuffle of thinking my little man might die on us. Time went by and the email became lost in the abyss of thousands of emails I have.
In August of this year, as I was sifting through old emails in my inbox, I came across it. It was unopened. I was flabbergasted when I read it and saw the date on it. Basically, the author stated anonymously that she had something to share that's been breaking her heart for the past 10 years. She told me she had never shared it with anyone and that she had felt, through my blog, that she wanted to share it now. She asked if I would do so. The topic? Abortion.
I immediately thought, "Man! Satan knew that I'd be completely wrapped up in Kai's situation and what a great time that would be to ask me to do something for God."
After reading the email, I quickly wrote back, profusely apologizing for the fact that it had taken me literally five months to respond. This time, it was I that did not receive a response from the person. I was angry at myself that Satan had gotten away with it. Whatever the "story" was, I would never know. But worse yet, God's glory wouldn't be able to shine through it.
Fast forward two months.
The "ordeal" we are going through in our family began October 24. Our world has been crashing down around us since. A few days after the "ordeal" began, another email arrived in my inbox. It was the same person. Once again, she was asking if I would use her story. This time, I wasn't letting Satan get away with it. In the midst of my sadness and loss, I wrote back and said I would. She then explained that she was an abortion survivor. She has considered taking her own life, after willingly taking her child's. But God in His goodness, in His mercy, one day picked her up and showed her that He is a forgiving God. He is a loving God who died on the cross for our sins. The ransom for our sins was paid over 2000 years ago.
She stated to me that although she "has received forgiveness, the pain has never dulled, but she wouldn't want it to either".
To the author of the letter:
You have the living Jesus in your heart. God has kept each of your tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). He will show you that bottle one day and remind you that as each one was being shed and you felt so alone, He was right there, wiping them away.
Although we've never met, I pray that someday when we are both in His kingdom, I am able to see those tears streaming down your face. The difference will be, as we both know, they will be tears of joy. I continue to keep you in my prayers and ask God to bless you. May He fill your heart with His peace until the day arrives that you will hold your precious child.
Here is her story, in her words:
Walking slowly to the entrance, Faces Flash
Screaming, all I heard was "don't do it".
Comforted by familiar voices, I sit down and fill out paperwork.
Time passes, I sit and wait
My heart sinks into my womb as they call my name
Time passes, I continue to wait
Young and old walk out barren in womb and soul
but smiles and contentment on their faces
Invisible tears stream down my face
My heart races as another name is called, am I next?
Finally my turn comes
I walk emotionless into a room
and I am prepared for the death of my very own child
Half of my body is stripped
As I feel a soul wrenching chill in the pit of my stomach
I lay down, legs wide open
I accept the fear with tears
Scared, lonely and uncontrolled emotions fill the room
It has begun
A life lasting torture
Stitched into my heart, womb and soul
Pain fills my body
As I let out a silent scream
I felt everything
Five minutes later and it was done
I was brought into a room
With others who had just joined me
In killing a small silent miracle, sent by God
I sit there in pain, trembling
My eyes are so filled tears, I can only see fog
I run to the bathroom, I am sick
I cannot move off of the floor
They come in
Pick me up
Clean me off
and send me home
With a bag of pills instead of my baby
Familiar voices tremble
as they help me into the car
They are silent
Days, nights, weeks and months
They pass me but I do not forget
The pain, the shame the forgiveness
A lifetime to finish out the labor of pain and love
For a lost child
A mother without her child
I become lost in a cloud of pain
and all I can say is Don't Do It!
For my precious child, I love you and I am very sorry
you are forever in my heart and soul