It seems like it was decades ago that I shared the miraculous story of how AJ became ours. Yet, it also seems as if those days were just yesterday. I remember every emotion, down to the deepest part of my very being. The exuberant joy. The overwhelming grief. The fear. And the mixed raw emotions that allowed us to peek into the very heart of Jesus. All of these feelings, balled up into what became one huge miracle, a little boy we would forever call our son, A.J., and how he and the woman who gave him life, forever changed ours.
So, if you've not read it before, grab yourself a coffee and sit back, while I share with you our story, written 11 years ago, with God's fingerprints all over it.
March 22, 2006
Today we held our beautiful son for the first time.
This is our story.
This is our story.
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| Leaving the house at 5 a.m. to meet our birth mom at the hospital. |
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| I could not believe the day had arrived! We were having a baby! |
After putting our things down, she asked if we wanted to go to the BM's room. Scott and I guardedly nodded and we were led to the other side of the hall across from our room. We knocked and heard, "Come in". With shaking hands, I opened the door slowly and walked in to the "birthing suite". A very nice room with a sitting area for family. As we entered, we noticed there were two other people in the room. One I knew was our birth mother's step-mother, the other was a man. We had no idea who he was, since to date, we had only met our birth mother. I went over and hugged her and she said in a cheery, bright voice, "I'm ready!!" I hope that as I journal through this journey, I can bring forth even a little of what a magical spirit this amazing young woman has. God has taken us on paths that have been long and winding, and ones we said we'd never travel, yet here we were, face to face with a birth mother, doing a domestic adoption, and meeting not only her, but her entire family, at her request. We gave it to the Lord and continued to believe that His plan was perfect. I had not seen her in quite some time so I was pretty happy to see that her belly was quite large. :)
The nurse came in shortly afterwards and asked us to go to our room until she completed some of the prep needed for the c-section. Scott, the step mom, the "unknown" man, and myself walked back to the other side of the hall and sat in our cold, bare room. At first, it was very awkward. The conversation was slow, but it picked up momentum. After a bit of conversation, I realized the "unknown man" was AJ's birth Dad! That made my heart leap with joy. I had a face to tell our son about, and it warmed my heart that he was there to meet the family that would be raising his biological son as their own. After what seemed forever, we went back to the birthing suite and watched as nurses, anesthesiologist, and doctors came in and out....all in preparation for that glorious moment, the birth of Arthur Joseph Bombardier!
Less than 1 minute after AJ's biological great-grandmother came in, she sat down, looked at us, and said, "Are you the adoptive parents? Do you mind if I interview you?" This older lady seemed to be the matriarch of the family. My knees buckled. That cold room seemed to be closing in on us. My head kept asking me "What are you doing here?" yet, my heart knew that I had to trust God and that our son was waiting for us. We smiled and said, "Sure!" Scott and I walked across the room. I sat next to her on the couch and Scott sat to her right in a chair. She looked at me dead in the eye and said, "This is very important. Is this child going to be raised in a Christian home?" I tried so hard fighting back the tears as I tried to get the words out. Partly relieved that this was the easiest question in the world to answer, and partly scared to death.....I put my arm on her shoulder and said, "I promise you! Christ is the center of our lives and the reason we are all here today. This is our miracle baby and we would not have him had it not been for Him orchestrating ALL of this." She then smiled and said, "That is all I wanted to know. This baby will be in the home he deserves to be in." From that moment on, I felt a sense of relief, that all was well and that Jesus was present. For the moment anyways.
The plan was, for our bm to stay in recovery for 1 hour with the baby. The c-section was scheduled to begin at 7:30 am, and if all went as planned we'd be holding AJ in our arms by 9:00 am. So, as scheduled, she was whisked off to the OR at 7:30, while Scott, her Mom, Grandmother, birth Dad and I stayed in the room awaiting the news of his birth. The nurse told us we'd hear something in about 45 minutes. Those were the longest 45 minutes of my life! Finally about 50 minutes later, her step-Mom walks into the room and announces that AJ has made his entrance into the world. A beautiful baby boy weighing 6 lbs. 9 ozs. and 18 inches long opened his eyes into the world at 8:07 am. The BM and he were both doing well, and would be in recovery for another 45 minutes to an hour. The waiting continued. Shortly afterwards, it was reported to us that it would be longer than what we anticipated because the bm wanted to spend time feeding the baby, etc.
It was then that I let my fears get the best of me. I had given my camera to the nurses who shot many pictures during the delivery and then others during the recovery period. As I scanned through the pictures, I noticed picture after picture of the love that this woman had for her child. Tears streaming and soft kisses in many of the pictures. Her feeding him, loving him. The ugly side of me began to appear. I felt like this was MY baby! She had said so! I should be feeding.....I should be kissing. The very selfish side of me wanted all that she had. I couldn't bring myself to put myself in her place at that moment. To think about the pain and the raw emotion that she was enduring at knowing that she had just given birth to one of God's most beautiful creations, and she was going to simply hand him over to another woman. Selfish me only wanted a baby.... that baby.....again, MY BABY!
Back in the room, after being told for the 3rd time it would be at least another 1/2 hour, I decided I couldn't take anymore. Scott kept reassuring me that God was in control, but my faith was slipping. This was not part of the plan. We should have had him in our arms an hour ago. I told Scott we needed to get out and get some fresh air. We excused ourselves and went down to the cafeteria. It was about 10:30 am. There was no way I could eat, I didn't know what else to do but cry. I called my friend who was reporting back to the wonderful adoption community that was praying for us and begged her to please put out a post that we needed prayers....fast! My mind was already hearing the words, "I'm sorry!!" Scott ordered breakfast, and I got a small fruit tray. We sat down at a booth in the corner of the cafeteria far from anyone's range of hearing.....and I just bawled. I cried until there was nothing left inside of me. My eyes stung and my heart ached. I just wanted it all to end.....good or bad, I couldn't take much more. Yet, my rock, Scott, kept saying to me, "Ohilda, how can you even question it when Jesus was sitting on the couch with you? It could have been anyone. That woman could have asked how much money do you have in the bank, instead, she asked about Christ being in our lives? How could you question that?" His calm, passive, demeanor was astounding to me, especially as he looked me square in the eye and said, "I don't have a worry in the world. God is in control!"
I toyed with my fruit for a few minutes longer and felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I then said, "Scott, let's go back to OUR room. Let's pray. I don't want to be with the family. I want to be alone." I wanted to drown in my misery without having to hide my emotions.
Again, we went up the same elevator doors that we had entered joyously 4.5 hours before. As we turned to head towards our room, we noticed even more family members had arrived. OH NO!!!! I was getting sick to my stomach. Before we could dodge out of sight, they had seen us and waved. We had no choice. We had to go back. There were probably 8 people outside of the room speaking, many newcomers who were just being whispered to that we were the "adoptive parents". I felt like I was being looked at as if we were stealing someone's baby.
Keep in mind, this was ALL me....my thoughts, my fears, my insecurities. Not one person in that room made me feel that way. The door of the room was ajar and we knocked lightly on it as we proceeded to walk in. I enter before Scott and I suddenly freeze.....there she is, the woman who had promised us she would entrust this treasure to us, holding one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. I tried to speak, but words just did not come out. As I slowly made my way around the bed, my mind raced, it was clouded with thoughts, and through this blurriness I hear the words, "AJ, I think there's a lady who is dying to hold you. Your Mommy!"
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| Our tiny bundle of pure perfection. The epitome of James 1:17. |
I turned to Scott, shame poured over me and I just buried myself in his shoulder and cried...and cried, for what seemed forever.. I sat down in the chair beside the bed as she handed over this teeny little person, all wrapped up in blankets with the sweetest little face. His bottom lip was tucked in as if pouting and little furrowed brows surrounded his tightly shut eyes. I couldn't believe it. It had happened. Even after I lost faith, after my shameful thoughts and behavior, after all the negativity, God still loved me, unconditionally. This was going to be our child. I was holding our youngest son. I melted into the surroundings and nothing existed for a moment, but my son and myself. I couldn't hear anything, or see anyone around me. It was a moment frozen in time. It was real. I was holding our baby! I then composed myself somewhat as I appeared to have come out of the moment and realized that Scott was also a part of this. I turned to him and asked....."Do you want to hold him?" SILLY QUESTION!! He said, "Of course!!!" The family was now all in the room, since when we walked in, the nurses had asked everyone to step out except for the birth mom, birth dad, and step mom. The family was commenting on how beautiful AJ was, and shedding just as many tears as we were. The only difference being that theirs were tears of joy mixed with, of course, tears of sadness at their loss. This family was amazing. They humbled me. The love and support that they offered our bm was one I have seen very few times in my life. BUT....they shared that same love and support with us. Every family member told us how happy they were that WE were the ones raising AJ. They shared with us that they felt such peace about it. That our love for him was so evident that if there had been any doubt in their minds, it was all erased at meeting us.
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| Overwhelmed with joy and God's goodness! |
This added to the shame I felt for my selfishness. I so wished there was another solution to this. All I could do was thank them all and promise them, with everything I believe in, that we would cherish this child to our dying breath. Their words...."We know." We were then asked by the bm, again, this young woman, who's strength and courage could only be admired, if we were ready to go spend family time alone. I bitter-sweetly nodded and we slowly wheeled our new son, in his bassinet, down the hall into our room. Little did I know how much deeper God was going to pull me in the next day, and how He would crush the judgmental stigma that I had allowed my brain and heart to believe...
TO BE CONTINUED...
1 comment :
Oh, I remember this so clearly! I was in awe and just a little bit envious!
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