"Once our eyes are opened, we cannot pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12

“There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.”- William Butler Yeats

Friday, October 3, 2008

On a lighter note....

I think I may have left you all last night with a feeling that things are disastrous here. I can assure you, they're not. For the most part, we are a very happy, busy family with a wrench or two thrown in once in a while. Hey, makes life not boring, right?

There are 3 things I want to say today:

1) I want to answer a couple of questions I've been asked.

a) Do I have regrets about bringing Anna Grace home? You guys know my blatant honesty. The answer to this question is very clearly, "NO!" I have no regrets. Maybe if you would have asked me 2 months after she was home, I'd have waivered. But now, she is MY daughter. I couldn't imagine life without her, as crazy as that sounds. When she's asleep or quietly doing something that she has her guard down, I could sit and watch her for hours. She's beautiful. She's sweet. She's loving. And she also has attachment issues. We all have our issues. That's hers. There is a hope and there is treatment. It's a slow, long process. But I would feel like there is a hole in my heart if she weren't in my life. "Sing to the LORD, you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalms 30:4-5

b) Does Ann Grace have RAD (reactive attachment disorder)? No. Anna Grace definitely has mild to moderate attachment issues, but not RAD. Anna Grace has come a very long way and she is so close to being able to let herself love. There is a barrier there that we must break. I am confident it will happen, with God's strength and mercy. When it does, I know her heart will be mine as mine will be hers. She definitely has the ability to love fiercely, that's why she is hurting.

c) How do it I do it? I laughed when I read this because the answer is, "I don't know." Sometimes I think I don't do it. Actually, not true. I DO know. I do it through Christ who strengthens me. Writing out yesterday's post made me see even more how I need to lean on Him for everything. I don't know why I continue to carry this burden when He is there just waiting for me to say, "Take this from me." All I need to do is turn around and walk away. That's a lot harder than it sounds. Not sure why I want to hold on to it, but I'm slowly learning. Also, journaling my thoughts and knowing we are being prayed for when I don't have the strength to pray myself has been very helpful in getting me through the dark moments.

I really owe many of you so much! Your emails filled with scripture and love and the sharing of your own stories have filled my heart up. I know I'm not alone. I am back in the game! So, watch out, Anna Grace, because your Mama is gonna love you BIG forever 'n ever, girl.

2) I also want to mention how God totally knew that I badly needed some "sign" from Him that He is here. After posting about the song, "Go light Your World" and telling you about the song "thief's" email. I got this comment back from her. (Sally, thank you so much for affirming to me that it was God's hand involved in yesterday's little miracle!)

From the blog song thief herself, I have to say your post moved me today like no other on any blog I have read before. First for your honesty and candor about what it is like to parent a child with attachment issues (BTDT) and second, knowing that somehow God used me to help reveal His presence to you through this difficult attachment process. The miracle of it all is that I rarely ever post on someone's blog that I do not know. I do not know your story as I had just found your blog and then immediately stole your song, but your authenticity begs me to come back for more! Thank you for the post!

I want everything I do to honor and glorify our God. When I posted yesterday's post, I felt I would be judged and be frowned upon in my role as a mother. I also knew that I had prayed about posting something so private. Yet, God filled me with peace that I was doing what He wanted. Where do you think the "bad" feelings came from? I followed through and refused to let Satan steal my joy and worse yet, not allow me to share my "light" with thsoe around me! Who was glorified in the end? Our mighty God!

My dear friend, Kim, sent me this verse: "The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world" (1John 4:4) And all I gotta say is, "Amen, sister!"

3) Lastly, I want to remind you all that tonight at midnight is the last opportunity to participate in the giveaway. I am so excited!!! Anna Grace will draw a name from the bunch tomorrow morning and I will video tape it and announce the winner! My little spitfire may even have a bow on. :)

If you haven't participated yet and want to join in on the fun. Scroll to the top of the page and click under the header! Hurry....do it now!

God bless you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers and support.


Sherri said...

I didn't think you were saying you wouldn't do it over again......quite the opposite! I thought at the end of the post when you said you'd ABSOLUTELY do it again, I thought it might be an ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!!!


Mom To Six said...

Sherri...ummm....definitely no announcement coming!

I just sorta said that in case God was listening. :)


Shanna said...

Ohilda~ Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Your honesty about the very real situations that many us adoptive moms face, is an inspiration to me. We are also dealing with attachment struggles in our home. There are nights that I fall into the bed and wonder if all the love and effort that I have poured into my child that day was futile. Reading today's post has given me the strength I need to take on yet one more day.
Hugs to you my friend,

Amy said...

Dear Ohilda,
I am so sorry that you have been struggling and so happy to hear that things are looking up for you. I apologize if you have been sent these verses by others, but I've just now read your last several posts and haven't read your other friends' comments. So here goes, sweet friend...continuing the theme of the song and the light within, "Everything was created through him; nothing - not one thing! - came into being without him. What came into existence was Life, and the Life was Light to live by. The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness; the darkness couldn't put it out." John 1:3-5 And to confirm that your honest testimony glorifies God and blesses those who know you...2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Ohilda, in A Purpose Driven Life Rick Warren says, "Your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts." It sure doesn't make it any easier along the way, and I wish it took away the pain and fear and frustration and heartache, but your honesty IS such a blessing and validation to others who are going through, who have gone through and who will go through what you are experiencing now. You are a blessing to us. More importantly, you are a blessing of the highest order to precious Anna. You are human, Ohilda, and you ARE a great mom. I admire you so much. With Love and Prayers for peace and healing, Amy

The Ferrill's said...

I did not feel at all that things are disastrous...after reading your posts Ohilda I am filled with encouragement and joy over getting a peek into a REAL adoptive parenting experience...I could relate to your feelings almost like it was me! When we first brought Quan home he had a hard time with me. Thankfully things are wonderful now, but for many months I would see glimpses of the old wall coming up.
Ohilda, your posts captivated me. I was so inspired by your humility and willingness to let your sister into your inner circle and pray for you like that. I am blessed by your openness and honesty. Adoption ain't all roses and buttercups, but it IS, like you said, SO worth it. It does give us such a picture of our Father's unconditional love for us. Thank you for reminding me of that...especially as we prepare to do this all over again! I am strengthened for my task ahead through Christ shining through these posts...thank you sweet Ohilda.

Krista ~ Bits and pieces said...

These series of post have been amazing. God choose the perfect mom for Anna Grace. Your heart and your love is beautiful!

Aus said...

Hey Sweet - yeah - wow - you really managed to pack a lot into one of these posts, and then make 3 of them - that's pretty impressive!

Do I have advice - no - other than to quote you back to you - "Fake it till you make it"! Well - you've made it already - now it's just a matter of waiting until your DD catches up to you!

You are really making us feel lucky - at least our girl is just expressing her attachment issues thru sleep disorder - nothing too it for us by comparison!

We'll keep you, Scott, and the kids in our prayers - and send a couple more to Anna Grace - and in the meantime if you want to talk ya'll have our digits! Hang in there girls - and guys!

aus and family

Diane said...

As you know, I have experienced varying levels of Attachment Issues with both of my beautiful girls. I posted on my blog tonight about the 'fake it until you make it' approach. Maybe something will resonate with you? I definitely recommend the book I quote too.

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