Making strides....barely!

Thank you all for your sweet messages in welcoming us home. My camera decided to die on me during the welcoming home, so I have lousy pictures. I am hoping Ily and my Mom got a few that I could have, especially at the airport.

Well, by 6:30 p.m., I couldn't keep my eyes open. I literally was walking around in a fog. Thank God for Scott. He truly is my saving grace. He bathed the boys, while I bathed a screaming Anna Grace. I sometimes wonder if she was a cat in her other life. She HATES baths and showers. So, I try and make them quick and not spend so much time comforting her during bathtime, because a) it doesn't help and b) it makes it last longer.

I dressed everyone, put on fresh diapers, which brings me to the diaper thought. Man, oh man!!! Do you know how many diapers 3 little ones can go through? We REALLY have to work on the potty training thing for Anna Grace and Kai.

After diapering, powerdering and smothering everyone in violets (Cuban baby cologne), I handed off Kai and AJ to Scott and went into the bedroom with Anna Grace, who already had that look of "Oh God, her again?" on her face.

I cradled her and waited for the crying to begin, which happened in a matter of seconds. I was soooo tired, that I kept trying to speak to her as I usually do during holding time, but kept falling asleep. One of those "nods" must've been a bit long, because when I realized I had nodded off, I look down in my arms, and so had she! I then layed her down next to me and went to tell Scott that I was out for the night. The boys were still going and Scott said he'd watch them. It's a good thing, because I was falling asleep standing up.

The next thing I know, I hear AJ crying on the monitor. I look at the clock and it's 12:15. I get up and realize I have a ragin migraine, and then to make it worse, get to AJ's crib who for the first time in his life, backs up and doesn't want me to pick him up. I almost sat on the floor and cried. Between being so tired, having a kid who hates me, and now AJ rejecting me, it was getting to be too much. I picked him up anyways since I didn't want Kai to wake up and took him to the family room where I tried rocking him for a bit. I then prepared a bottle and he took it. I was able to reconcile with him and laid him back down. By now it was 1:15 a.m., and I figured I better try and get some more sleep because I knew that tomorrow would be hell between jet lag, lack of sleep and 3 little ones.

I was able to get back to sleep and I awoke at 6:30 when Anna Grace began to stir next to me. It was a matter of seconds after she opened her eyes and saw me before the wailing begun again. I continued to lay side by side to her, holding her so that she wouldn't roll over to Scott and kept whispering to her that I loved her and that it would be ok. After about an hour of that, Scott woke up and Kai and AJ joined us. AJ was very surprised to see Anna Grace was still there and kept going up to her, touching her and moving back. It was cute. She finally calmed down and we started our day.

It's 11:30 now, we've had 3 holding time sessions thus far. She's doing a bit better each time. Finally, this last time, while I was holding her, she FINALLY stopped clenching her teeth to hold back her crying and let the real crying come out. That was a huge breakthrough. The fact that she feels she doesn't have to hold back, although she is still grieving very much, is a very good sign.

I am wiped out and even had thoughts last night as I held AJ about how in the world am I gonna do this? Our life with 2 little ones was pretty chaotic, with 3 it's just plain crazy. I am just going to have to continue to trust God that we are doing the right thing.

I managed to get all 3 of them to nap now. (Don't ask how, but I did!!) and am able to catch up a bit, throw some laundry in, clean the kitchen, pick up the mess of toys and just enjoy the silence for a little while.

Kai has an appt. with his cleft surgeon today to prepare for his VPI surgery and life as a family of six in the Bombardier household has begun.