going private

Hang on.

Before everyone starts flipping thinking they will be left out of the scoop, I need to explain.

First of all, I am not going private.

I confess.

Lately, I've thought about it. A lot.

I've prayed about it. A lot.

Those who know me well, know that my life is pretty much an open book. My blog for the past almost 4 years has been a synopsis of what goes on in my head, and many times in my life.

Of course, like any parent, I protect my children and family and that's always at the forefront of my mind.

I've had many friends, especially lately, jump over to private blogs. I completely understand and support them. For me? It's not where God wants me yet and I know why.

Although this has been an extremely tough year for us, somehow I've managed to keep God front and center. In the midst of the storm, as I'm gulping water and kicking as fast as I can to reach the surface to take a gasp of air, I almost always praise Him. By no means am I saint. By no means am I perfect. Do I question Him? Way more often that I should. But again, I'm human.

When all is right with the world, it's so very easy for me to turn every blessing into praise. I think it is for most Christians.

But, how well do we do when the storm is feeling like a category 5 hurricane? What do we do then?

With each trial and tribulation, I've really learned that somewhere, somehow, the light will shine through the darkness (John 1:5). That light is His glory.

Throughout the past 4 years, I've received countless emails and comments from readers letting me know that something that I've said had affected them and/or whatever cross they were carrying at that time. That was all God.

I think about those times and am still dumbfounded. God used me, a simple, ordinary housewife and Mama, to touch someone's heart, or even to lead them to do His will. Some people I've known, others have been completely anonymous, including one I will be sharing about very soon. And that's perfectly okay because I don't need to know. God already does. But he takes the simplest of people, the ones who are completely unequipped to take on such a huge role, to do His work.

As I was pondering the huge ordeal our family is suffering through now, I decided to go through some of my archived files. I came across this one. It was written in July 2007. God immediately hit me with the answer to my question, "Should I go private and "share" what's happening with my faithful prayer warrior friends?" The reply was in a short exchange with Amanda, then only 12 years old.

Amanda: Mom, why do you blog and tell everyone about your life?

Me: Well, I don’t tell them everything about our life, but I do share whatever I can when it can be used to glorify God.

Amanda: Yes, Mom. But anything, technically, can be used to glorify God.

Me: Aaahh….exactly. That’s why I blog.

So, as much as I'd like to right now, I'm not going private.

But I do know that, although hearts are breaking, this too will pass and that the light in the darkness will shine brighter than ever. It will be then and only then that I will somehow be able to put into words the cross we've been bearing and continue to bear for the next few months. But we will rejoice with full hearts when at last, we will be able to testify to how the King of Kings carried us through the fire, unscathed. We will glorify Him as we share about when we were in the midst of the flames He taught us compassion, unconditional love, and forgiveness. Everything that encompasses what our Savior truly is.

In the meantime, I will continue to ask for your patience and most of all for your prayers, as you endure through reading my obscure and cryptic posts regarding this situation, that goes beyond our immediate family. Please pray for all involved.

I've asked over the years for God to somehow use me and my little, tiny corner of cyberspace to bring Him glory. I believe He has, even if just in a small way. I pray He continues.