"Once our eyes are opened, we cannot pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12

“There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.”- William Butler Yeats

Friday, November 6, 2009

Maker. Forgiver. Reedemer


Yesterday's post discussed why I've decided not to go private. In a nutshell, it's because I've asked God to use me to minister to others when He feels I should, but most of all for His glory to shine through. He has without a doubt shown me He has done just that.

Back in March when our year began the huge snowball downwards, one of my readers sent me an email. An email I never realized I had received until months later. Somehow, someway, it got lost in the shuffle of thinking my little man might die on us. Time went by and the email became lost in the abyss of thousands of emails I have.

In August of this year, as I was sifting through old emails in my inbox, I came across it. It was unopened. I was flabbergasted when I read it and saw the date on it. Basically, the author stated anonymously that she had something to share that's been breaking her heart for the past 10 years. She told me she had never shared it with anyone and that she had felt, through my blog, that she wanted to share it now. She asked if I would do so. The topic? Abortion.

I immediately thought, "Man! Satan knew that I'd be completely wrapped up in Kai's situation and what a great time that would be to ask me to do something for God."

After reading the email, I quickly wrote back, profusely apologizing for the fact that it had taken me literally five months to respond. This time, it was I that did not receive a response from the person. I was angry at myself that Satan had gotten away with it. Whatever the "story" was, I would never know. But worse yet, God's glory wouldn't be able to shine through it.

Fast forward two months.

The "ordeal" we are going through in our family began October 24. Our world has been crashing down around us since. A few days after the "ordeal" began, another email arrived in my inbox. It was the same person. Once again, she was asking if I would use her story. This time, I wasn't letting Satan get away with it. In the midst of my sadness and loss, I wrote back and said I would. She then explained that she was an abortion survivor. She has considered taking her own life, after willingly taking her child's. But God in His goodness, in His mercy, one day picked her up and showed her that He is a forgiving God. He is a loving God who died on the cross for our sins. The ransom for our sins was paid over 2000 years ago.

She stated to me that although she "has received forgiveness, the pain has never dulled, but she wouldn't want it to either".

To the author of the letter:

You have the living Jesus in your heart. God has kept each of your tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). He will show you that bottle one day and remind you that as each one was being shed and you felt so alone, He was right there, wiping them away.

Although we've never met, I pray that someday when we are both in His kingdom, I am able to see those tears streaming down your face. The difference will be, as we both know, they will be tears of joy. I continue to keep you in my prayers and ask God to bless you. May He fill your heart with His peace until the day arrives that you will hold your precious child.

Here is her story, in her words:


Walking slowly to the entrance, Faces Flash
Screaming, all I heard was "don't do it".
Comforted by familiar voices, I sit down and fill out paperwork.
Time passes, I sit and wait
My heart sinks into my womb as they call my name
Time passes, I continue to wait
Young and old walk out barren in womb and soul
but smiles and contentment on their faces
Invisible tears stream down my face
My heart races as another name is called, am I next?
Finally my turn comes
I walk emotionless into a room
and I am prepared for the death of my very own child
Half of my body is stripped
As I feel a soul wrenching chill in the pit of my stomach
I lay down, legs wide open
I accept the fear with tears
Scared, lonely and uncontrolled emotions fill the room
It has begun
A life lasting torture
Stitched into my heart, womb and soul
Pain fills my body
As I let out a silent scream
I felt everything
Five minutes later and it was done
I was brought into a room
With others who had just joined me
In killing a small silent miracle, sent by God
I sit there in pain, trembling
My eyes are so filled tears, I can only see fog
I run to the bathroom, I am sick
Very Sick
I cannot move off of the floor
They come in
Pick me up
Clean me off
and send me home
With a bag of pills instead of my baby

Familiar voices tremble
as they help me into the car
They are silent

Days, nights, weeks and months
They pass me but I do not forget
The pain, the shame the forgiveness

A lifetime to finish out the labor of pain and love
For a lost child
A mother without her child
I become lost in a cloud of pain
and all I can say is Don't Do It!

For my precious child, I love you and I am very sorry
you are forever in my heart and soul


Angel said...

Ohilda, there is nothing to say, you have said it all...you are truly my hero

Ohilda said...


NOOOOO! I am nothing without Him. And I am so very thankful that God gave this woman the courage to share her pain, her loss, so that others not only see the effects of abortion, but so that they may see that He and He alone can restore you back to life when you think your life is over.

Love you!

Jill W said...

Thank you for sharing. You are such an inspiration. We will be in your area next April. I hope we can meet in person!

Barbara A. said...

To this sweet, sweet Mama -
While we may not know you, God does. And He LOVES you so deeply and completely. Accept His love, His forgiveness, and forgive yourself. Your little one is with the Savior, free of pain and suffering. And now dear mother, you need to share what you have written with others who are considering the same path you took. Reach out to them. Tell them your story! God Bless you and keep you! You are loved!

He & Me + 3 said...

You know exactly the words to write Ohilda and you are a blessing to so many people here in blogland. Keep sharing Christs Love.

AlyAbox said...

Dear Ohilda,

i have to tell you, my sweet friend, that you are a blessing to know. Your love for your Savior shines through you like a beacon through the fog. Thank you sweet sister for sharing your heart, for encouraging others to never give up, and for allowing Him to use you as He does.
i'm blessed to know you.

Also, to this sweet mama that emailed you... He knows your pain, and He forgave you when you asked Him to. Don't ever lose sight of that.


sara said...

wow. thank you, Ohilda, for letting God use you...even when it hurts.

La Familia Garcia said...

God does forgive, redeem and restore his people. I too am thanking him daily for his mercy and grace!

Angie said...

To this sweet lady who is suffering so:
God can make all things work together for good. I encourage you to find a place in your city that offers post-abortion counseling...is there a crisis pregnancy center in your city? Also, you might want to check out this blog of a woman who once found herself in the same situation and now has a wonderful ministry to other women:

Praying for you!!!


Sassy Pants Freckle Face said...

Ohilda, Wow Through Your struggles you don't stop to be a beacon of light,.. God Bless You!

Denise said...

My heart aches for this womans pain! I'm so thankful she will someday be able to hold her child in Heaven because of HIS profound Mercy! Most of us have done things we regret, God just wants us to run to Him and ask for forgiveness and she has done that. Have peace my friend!

We are having many different trials here at my house as well. I rest on my life verse which is Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct thy paths.

The Ferrill's said...

He lifts us up out of the miry clay and sets our feet upon a rock...PRAISE HIM!
Ohilda, I read your post below and I am so thankful you continue to share your heart with us. The Lord shines through your words...pointing us to Him, our true source of strength.
I am praying for your family.
Psalm 16:8
"I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
May He minister to you through His Truths every moment of your days...
Love you,

Colleen Reynolds said...

Dear sweet mother,
Your tears and pain are living proof of your love for this child. When the day comes for you to meet, I am certain that God will hand him or her to you with a smile that will forever wipe your tears.

In the meantime, I was recently involved in a retreat called Freedom in Christ. Basically, it's a deliverance from evil spirits. Once you go through the deliverance (not like an exorcism, just a removal of any evil spirts like resentment, fear, regret, etc.) There are a few steps. I would recommend you read the book "Unbound" and then, find a deliverance minister in your area. The weight that will be lifted from you will help you to further spread God's love and hope to others. That's what HE wants. Don't allow Satan to continue his lies. God is waiting for you to renounce the spirits of unforgiveness and regret. He wants you to forgive yourself, the doctors who performed the baby's early entry into Heaven, anyone who may have talked you into it and anyone else who you have not been able to forgive. Then, take back the authority you've allowed those spirits to have in your life and receive The Father's blessing. You have been chosen to do mighty works in His name. Please become free!

TanyaLea said...

Thanks for your faithfulness, Ohilda! You are such a blessing to so many people...and I'm sure you have reached many more than you know! <><

geminirn said...

I prayer some day she will be at peace!

Cyndi said...

To Ohilda...any chance this story could be carved into the doors of every abortion clinic and printed on the cover of every brochure?

To the author - Blessings to you, Sister in Christ! My heart aches for you that you felt you had to do this...I have teenaged sons and I hope you don't mind, but I will be reading this to them later on today. I don't want their irresponsibility to ever cause a woman to be put in this position. Thank you for having the courage to share your story publicly...I feel in my heart of hearts that your child is your "angel on your shoulder" helping the Spirit move within you! My prayers are lifted for you...your child...and those in the same position as you!

Jewels of My Heart said...

My heart breaks for this woman and every other who has had an abortion. I truly cannot imagine how it must haunt them. But I am so thankful that she knows Jesus... that she is forgiven and I will pray that she will one day be able to forgive herself just as our Lord, our God has forgiven her.... I hope one day that she will see that God used her story... worked through her to save the life, perhaps lives of yet unborn children. I will pray for the Lord's plan for her life and for how He will work through her to help others not go down the same road she went to...
God's healing and God's peace,

Aus said...

Ohilda - prayers and blessings on you and your family sweet lady - whatever you need - you know that!

To the sweet mother - blessings on you as well - and know that you ARE here for a reason! Keep growing and learning - and one day you will find your mission!

hugs to all - aus and co.

Michelle said...

I have no words, other than the tears are flowing.

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