My Solution to the Resolutions

2008 is behind us and although it brought many good things, I don't think it'll be a year that I will look back at and say, "It was amazing". Between the economy, the struggles with Anna Grace's attachment issues (which were pretty darn rough), surgeries, China closing it's doors to so many parents wanting a child (myself included), and my total lack of will power to lose the weight I wanted, I have to say it definitely wasn't what I had planned. And I think that's where the problems lay. They were all my plans.

I've decided my solution to the New Year Resolutions dilemma is that I will not make any plans this year. I am trusting and believing that God has plans that are perfectly laid out for me. He is just waiting for me to stop trying to do His job, which seems like something I keep wanting to do. I don't know why I insist on it, since there's no way that I could ever do His job, nor would I ever want to. But nonetheless, my hard-headed self just keeps butting into His business.

With all the disappointments that came in the past year, came good things. God showed me that although we've had some pretty tough financial struggles, he always provides. God showed me that although I asked him over and over while waiting for both Anna Grace and Kai to come home to please not allow us to adopt a child with attachment issues. That was my one fear. He allowed it because He knew I could handle it. I've learned to embrace it and have been strengthened by these struggles. I've found myself searching my heart and at times, reaching out to Him like I never have before. He allowed me to see through Anna Grace's surgery just a slight glimpse of what our future could be without attachment issues. For a few weeks life was great. Was the surgery the answer? Oh, no! But we did definitely move a notch up on the bonding ladder. As small as that baby step is, it is so worth it!

I've learned throughout the last year that I can't take things into my own control without botching it up at some point. You may wonder how I know what God's plans really are for me. I don't have the answer to that one. I do know not to expect God to place before me a huge billboard that says, "Good morning, Ohilda! Take this road today." and I know that He will whisper to me in the depths of my heart and open doors that will assure me that is where I should be going. I just need to "be still and know that He is God". I need to not put God in a little box, but instead, allow Him to be the God of all that I do.

Yet that said, I definitely feel like I am exactly where I should be in life. I am surrounded by the people He wants in my life. I am going through the experiences He knew I'd go through. Some I've learned from. Some I keep banging my head against the wall with. With some, He knew I'd take the wrong roads way before He created me, and I'm guessing that it's a pretty sure bet He knows the paths that I'll be taking in the future. So, does it make any sense to not let Him take the controls and be the pilot?

Therefore, 2009 will be without plans for me. I'm waking up in the mornings and proclaiming, "Lord! This is your day. I am your child! Please take control of my life and lead me to what YOU want me to do." I just pray that everything I do brings Him all the honor and glory that He is so worthy of.

I'm not planning for Anna Grace's heart to be completely healed in 2009. That's His child and if it is in His plans, it will happen. I'm not planning for our finances to be cleared and we be debt free. If He wants that to happen, He will open those doors. I'm not worrying about whether or not another child is in our future. He is in control of that.

I'm done making plans. I'm giving it all to Him. The only plan I'm making for 2009 is to allow God to be God and it sure feels good not to have to carry around that load!