Haver you ever....?

This is going to be one of those thought provoking posts (provoking for me) that I usually ramble on about and end up with no real answers at the end. It's one of those moments when I'm really just talking to myself on paper.

I came across this quote today.

"Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine, and injustice in the world when He could do something about it.....but I'm afraid He might ask me the same thing." ~unknown author

You've heard me say this before. Nothing is a coincidence and I know this is something I definitely have to pray about, but am afraid to. Coming across that quote was just another affirmation.

I know you must be totally confused. For the past few days, I've been really pondering the thought about how disappointed God must be in me. This Lenten season has been horrible. Yes, we're requesting prayers of strangers and we're praying a little more than usual, but something is still bothering me. It's not enough. I feel God wanting more from me. I know it. What I don't know is what exactly it is that He wants. I hope it's not another child! heh! Actually, I'm kidding. I've been extremely melancholy about China lately and would love to go back, but not only could we not afford it, but we no longer qualify. I digress.

Yesterday at mass, I felt God asking me to be still. To listen to Him and that He will lead me to where He wants me to be. I really want to be obedient of this, but for some reason, it's scary to me this time. I always pray that the Lord use me to do His will, but I when I pray this lately, I come up with the feeling that He wants something BIG, something that I wouldn't get myself into if I were asked to do it. I really have a full plate with the little ones, Scott and Amanda. Not to mention, finances, housekeeping, extended family and just plain life. Yet, part of me knows that I am to be doing something more. I know we serve a loving and merciful God, but I also know how God always gets what He wants. So, by saying that I am too busy, will He remove some of those things from life? That terrifies me. I love my life and all of the craziness in it and I don't want anything to change. It's almost like if I ask Him to reveal to me His will, I better be careful what I'm asking for. Do you understand now how my crazy mind thinks?

Maybe by now, you must be thinking that I am probably making no sense, and if I do, I'm being pretty far-fetched. I agree. But in plain terms, this is it. I feel God asking me to open up my heart and allow him to reveal His will for me, but I'm scared to hear what His will is.

Has anyone ever gone through this or am I just losing it? Please keep my fears in your prayers. I know that fear is not of our Lord and I don't know why I'm feeling this way.

As always, thank you for your support and prayers.

Lord Jesus,

I ask that you give me the wisdom and courage to follow through with whatever your will for me is. You know my heart and my undenying love for you. You are my Savior, my redeemer and my Heavenly Father. I know that everything that you ask of me is for my good and ultimately, for Your glory. I pray that everything I do brings that glory and honor to you and I thank you for the multitude of blessings that you bestow upon me daily. Mold my heart so that I do not disappoint you, but instead always let your light shine through me to others.

Lord, guide me to always do your will.

In your name I pray. Amen.