"Once our eyes are opened, we cannot pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12



“There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.”- William Butler Yeats





Wednesday, April 15, 2009

blah


I've been feeling really Blah the past few days.

(By the way, I didn't think "Blah" was a word, but for the heck of it, looked it up. Voila: blah - noun 1. the blahs, a feeling of physical uneasiness, general discomfort, or mild depression; malaise:)

Yep, that definition pretty well sums it up. Just not wanting to do much but lay around and listen to nothing.

A few of you have emailed me (THANK YOU!) asking if things are OK because I've been AWOL. I've been lax in responding, because of the blahs, but I wanted you to know that your sweet concern is really appreciated and were highlights to my days.


Today, the sun is shining and although the kids aren't back in school (Kai because he's still on a soft diet, and Anna Grace because I'm giving her a few more days of reprieve and letting her stay home with Mama) and pretty much going stir crazy, things are getting back to normal. Thank you, Jesus!

THE RECAP

We were discharged from the hospital Saturday morning. Four hours later, we surprised Daddy and the kids when we walked through the door. I opened the door and Anna Grace happened to be standing right there in the hallway, which totally caught her off guard. Her immediate response was "MAMA!!" as she came flying down the hall and crashing into my arms, smothering me with kisses. That alone was enough to make my heart soar. It was genuine and real and again I cried, but this time, happy tears not sad ones. AJ soon heard the commotion and ran to us also, followed by sweet hubby who had been baking brownies for the little ones. It was so good to be home!


Kai's discharge instructions included remaining on a soft food diet (hence the reason he's not going to school this week), and returning back to Orlando to see "the team" (ENT & Dr. Hero), which is now set for next Wednesday.

While gone, we missed Anna Grace's birthday (April 7). I felt horrible about it and knew that she would be angry because I wasn't there for such a special occasion. So, as a family we came up with a great idea. Since she's only 4 and wouldn't know when her real birthday was, we decided that upon our arrival home, we'd tell her that her birthday was coming up the next day. So, Saturday afternoon we broke the news to her that her birthday was "tomorrow" which coincided with Easter Sunday. She glowed with excitement that carried through to the next day.

In the morning, we went to Easter mass and then she and I headed to the stores to gather the supplies needed for her special day. She picked out a colorful Tinkerbell fairy cake along with all the Tinkerbell paraphernalia that would make the saddest of fairies be filled with glee. She also got to visit the toy section and pick out a special gift for herself. That's something that doesn't happen much in our family so it was truly special. Mama was definitely at the top o' her list that day!

Later that evening, my sister, mom and their families came over. We had a nice dinner and we all gathered to sing happy birthday to our sweet girl. I was able to capture lots of cute pictures, which I'll be posting tomorrow. So be sure to check back!

Going back to Kai, he did great with his de-sats while in the hospital. Saturday night, around midnight, the monitor went off for the first of six times that night. Going as low as 79. To say I was disappointed, frustrated and discouraged was an understatement. That was the beginning of the blahs. His de-sats have continued every night until this morning! But God, in his wondrous glory, knew I desperately needed some uplifting. Last night Kai did not have one de-sat. Praise God!!! I'm hoping it was swelling from the surgery and that we are done....done.....done!

Adding to the blahs was some more drama in my life. This is drama I've never spoken about before, but it has haunted our lives since I met Scott, almost 12 years ago. Every family has one or two of those dysfunctional family members. Ours happens to live several states away, yet still manages to creep in their dysfunction every so often. This last one, a few days ago, hit a nerve. A BIG nerve.

Why? Because this particular person, who has never agreed to Scott and I being together, wrote on a public journal an entry about me that included the words that I "couldn't even give Scott his own kids." Well, as you guys probably know by now, you can mess me with me, but DON'T mess with my kids!

That absolutely brought out the Mama Bear in me and sent me into a such an inner rage that I needed a few days to get over it. The rage that is. The hurt is still very much there because this person that should be a close family member to our little ones, has instead never acknowledged them. And yes, although I speak often about forgiveness, I am revelling in the fact that I don't want this person in our lives anymore. I know with time God will show me this is not of Him, but the hurt inside is just too much right now. I'm done. Cooked. Finished.

I admit though, that in the midst of the anger, God did grace me. He allowed me to exercise my many failed attempts at being submissive and Scott properly handled the situation by standing up for his wife and his children. Thankfully. I remained out of it because otherwise I may have made the 6 p.m. news. God is good! I now have gotten past the anger and am just filled with sadness and hurt that people could be so evil.

I am ready for the drama in my life to cease and go back to our normal, boring routine of being a typical, God-loving, chaotic, yet happy family who loves being together.

On a happier note, I wanted to share and thank Mrs. Kassebaum, as she is now known to our Anna Grace. To me she is Jennifer, one of my loyal readers who has now become a dear friend. She also happens to be Nick's auntie. (Wanna shed happy tears? Go read some miraculous works over there!!)

This wonderful lady received a God-spiration the night before we left to the hospital and decided to put a package together for Anna Grace and Mama. The package arrived on the Monday after we had come home from the hospital. It was filled with goodies for both of us, but more importantly it was filled with God's promises to Anna Grace describing to her what she really is. A Princess. No, not just any Princess. But, THE PRINCESS! The daughter of The King. The package included two wonderful books about cooking and tea-parties (Hmm...so appropo as our country holds tea-parties across the nation today)! I digress. So, my princess and I will be cooking together soon and having tea-parties with all willing parties. My heart just melted at Jennifer's kindness as we went through her letters, notes and goodies. Thank you, Jennifer. You are a true servant who made a little girl (and her Mama) so very happy! Love you!

Before I wrap it up, I just want to say thank you all again for your prayers and support. I've been humbled by your benignity and selfless acts as I go to my mailbox and find cards for both Kai and myself, gift certificates to restaurants, and even donations to help with our beyond-imagining medical expenses right now.

I pray that someday the Lord allow me to return your kindness in a manner that affects you the way you have affected us, which is greatly.

Saying "Thank You" just does not seem to be enough. I know we are blessed beyond measure.

13 comments :

day by day said...

Hi my friend!

So glad to read an update!! I know things have been overwhelmingly hectic for you as of late and I truly hope things settle soon! Sounds like AG is doing wonderfully!! Praise God for that!!!
As for dysfunctional family members....we have none...especially on Dave's side of the family. hee hee! And if you believe that one....lol!

love you!
hang in there!!!

Patricia/NYC said...

Take all the time you need to restore your spirit & your strength, Ohilda!! You have been through A.LOT. these past few weeks! It's no wonder you've got the blahs!!

Happy Birthday to Anna Grace!! Sounds like a perfect birthday for a princess! ;)

Prayers go out to you for your renewed spirit!!
Hang in there!!
Patricia

a Tonggu Momma said...

Life sometimes just feels like a roller coaster, doesn't it - full of huge ups and huge downs. It's wise to step back sometimes and recenter ourselves.

And I am so, so sorry about your dysfunctional family member. That is very difficult to deal with. Believe me, I know.

And so very happy that Kai is home now. And that Anna Grace enjoyed her "birthday" so much.

Holly said...

Oh my goodness girl. I will now need to take the next few days to rage for you!
Not giving Scott his OWN kids....are you kidding me? Oh no they didn't!
So very very sad that this person is so clueless about adoption, about the children born in our hearts and delivered from HEAVEN.
Hello! Really is sad for this person but sure ticks me off just THINKING about it!
aaaaauuughhhh!!
What a great browning baking Daddy! :) Points to the hubby! :)
What an amazing God-honoring, courageous, sincere and FUN Mama you are!!!
Much love,
Holly

Peg said...

My dear dear friend,
You know what is in my heart--besides me and my family there is a whole world out there of people who are eternally grateful TO YOU for your goodness, your friendship, YOURS AND SCOTT'S beautiful children great and small, and the hope you bring to a world that can be cruel. I cannot imagine anyone who deserves the best more than you!!!!!!!
Love
Peg

Sherri said...

I sure hope Anna Grace got a Shu Shu dance for her birthday!!! If you only knew how much a part of our family that video has become....

Hey, I hear you. I'm with you in your frustration. One thing I've learned in dealing with both our families (mine and hubby's) is that you can't control what other people say or do. It's hard to accept, I know. And I'm the same way when it comes to my kids.

You're weary. I now understand why your status was about wanting to be free of the drama.

I will pray for the family member because this person has no idea what they are missing out on with you in the family!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He And Me + 3 said...

Good to hear an update from you. Sorry that you are feeling blah. Hope that you are feeling better soon. i will say a prayer for the family situation...family should not treat family that way.

Jill said...

SOOOOOOO good to hear from you and know that I will continue to pray for you dear one!
You have been missed.
GET RID OF THE BLAHS! SAY NO TO BLAHS!!

Hugs!
Jill

Tami said...

Hi Ohilda!

You know you've been through a lot when normal looks so wonderful, huh? Your road has truly been a long, rough one... I pray you've reached a 'rest area' where you can rest, re-fill and re-group;-)!

You may have the blahs....but your ever present sparkle and spunk is still very apparent:-).

Love and hugs,
Tami

Undercover-Princess said...

The Blahs are appropriate, but you will get through it!!

Keisha said...

So glad your home!! YAY! And,.. I bet your heart did melt when Anna Grace came running to you!!! That's an answer to prayer B-a-b-y!!
Praise the Lord that Kai had no D-sats!!
Can't wait to see the pics of the B-day girl!
btw.. don't worry about "you know who"... we ALL have them. Sad thing is.. THEY are MISSING out on a special blessing!!! :(

Aus said...

Well - welcome back to the land of the alive! (You already were living - maybe didn't realize that - but you were and ARE!!!) We're OH SO SORRY that you too have family like we do - but it really doesn't hurt to blog about them - sometimes it's purging to the soul - and that allows us to get 'past' the issue. Blog freely!

We made a concious decision to not bug you while you were down - at least if you are like me - space is as important as anything else in dealing with the feelings.

So glad to hear about the rest - love the tea party idea - SO HAPPY ABOUT AG'S RESPONSE WHEN YOU GOT HOME!! - and just plain want to send hugs and love around you guys!

Blessings and great joy for you here in Cincy!

aus and co.

Karrie said...

I'm so glad to meet you and your precious family. We live in Ft. Myers and are blessed parents to four. Two daughters in their twenties one four year old joyful boy (Korea)and one sad little face still waiting for us in China. He's three and his sn is foot inversion.
Our blog is GatesWaits.blogspot.com. We are still in Hague process awaiting travel. I can SO relate to your emotional fatigue. It's a valley and you've been through a tornado of emotional events swinging from your baby's surgery to another baby's birthday, holiday and family stuff. You may need to shut down a little. Wrap up in a fluffy comforter with a cup of something warm, put on your softest praise music and breathe slowly. Crying can be a release too. We Mammas tend to show mercy to everyone but ourselves. Take Care Honey. I'm glad to have the opportunity to pray for you.
Fondly, Karrie Rudd Ft. Myers Mamma. We call him Gates because God has opened what none could shut Isaiah 22.

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