A must see and a mother's heart

Tonight I did something I haven't ever done in my 44 years of life. I went to the movies by myself. Not only did I go to the movies by myself, I was the only one in the theater. I sat down as I giggled to myself that I was going to intentionally leave my cell phone on and kick the seat in front of me! Just for the record, wimpy me didn't do either.

I chose to see Juno because I knew it had to do something with a domestic adoption, although I wasn't real sure of the details. It was awesome! It was funny, sad, emotional and brought back feelings that, well...still are very much alive in me, especially these past few days as we are approaching AJs 2nd birthday. This movie is a definite must see. It allows you to peek into both sides of the equation, the struggles of a birthmother and the aching heart of an adoptive mother who so desperately wants to be Mommy.

I know I'm gonna head totally off course now and speak about AJ, when I really want to tell you about the movie, but what can I say? ::sheepish grin::

For those of you new to reading my blog, AJ is our youngest son, adopted domestically. You can read his entire story here.

March 22 my little man will be two years old. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about the entire experience. It's funny because I've read many times that adoption is adoption, but it's not. I find very few comparisons in AJ's adoption to Kai and Anna Grace's, except for the fact that once we committed to them, they were our children forever. But the leading up it, the actual "gotcha" moment and their past history is like comparing apples to oranges.

We were incredibly blessed to have met AJ's birthmother and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and pray for her. I mostly pray that her heart is 150% at peace with knowing how much AJ is treasured and adored.

I haven't really shared much about the terms of AJ's adoption publicly. I'm not sure why. I guess it's because I am so enamored by all the waiting children in China, that my main focus is geared into that direction.

Maybe in the near future I will share more about our experience but for now, I just want to share how much I have grown in the past year. We have a closed adoption, meaning no contact with the birth family, with the option of allowing AJ to seek his birth mother/family after he is 18 years old. At that point, if he chooses, we will support him completely. That said, last year around his 1st birthday, our lawyer called us to say that AJ's birthmother had sent him a birthday card and in it included a letter for us. Without getting too personal, I can tell you that my insecurities sent me tumbling into a sea of jealousy, fear and anxiety that this woman would still consider AJ her son.

It took almost a year for me to get past that. He is her son. He is also my son, our son. Do I want to throw myself into an open adoption now because I see it that way? Absolutely not. But, do I thank God and his birthmother every single day of my life for the amazing gift that they have given us? Definitely! There is no way that she could ever, ever, ever know what a treasure she has bestowed upon us.

I have read that birthmothers get pretty upset when they read things like that last sentence because they didn't set out to give us anything. Their selfless act was brought to fruition for their child, not for us. I completely understand that. But, in their doing so, we have become the blessed ones.


This little boy fills my days with so much laughter and joy that it's hard to put into words. He's happy, funny, so very sweet, mischievous, and all boy! I can go from wanting to lock him in a closet to wanting to smother him in kisses within seconds. He is into everything! His favorite room in the house is the kitchen pantry and he has been known to cover the floors with everything from dishwashing liquid (that was a nightmare!) to oatmeal to chocolate syrup, all in the blink of an eye! But how could you get mad when he comes over to you, covered in his item of choosing for the day and says, "Mama, AJ made mesh (mess)!", as the flakes of oatmeal float down from his hair. Ooooohhh....I could eat him up! I love him endlessly, totally and completely. He is my sweet and loving baby boy and he's growing up way too fast!

I have to share my favorite though. When he is just completely and totally driving me to my limits, I tell him that he's "done, cooked, finished!" He's going into the crib. He whines as I carry him and plop him in his crib. Two seconds later, I hear him singing. (Heh...you should see my face now. Just thinking about it makes me smile.) After a few minutes I go in there and each and every time he melts my heart by saying "Hi Mama!", with this huge grin from ear to ear. I pick him up and he immediately wraps his arms around me, puts his head on my shoulder and says, "AJ loves Mama. Mama happy?" The kid does it every time. And every time he wraps me tighter around his little finger.

Going back to the movie. If you have an opportunity, please go see it. You won't regret it! As I left the theater thinking about AJ, his birthmother and how amazingly blessed I am, I think about all of the birthmothers out there. It takes a huge person with an enormous heart to say yes, carry a child for nine months and then place them in the arms of another woman. That has to be the most selfless act that I could ever imagine any woman doing. I know I could never do it, and I am eternally grateful that AJ's birthmom did choose life for him, and that God chose us to be his parents. We are blessed indeed!