"Once our eyes are opened, we cannot pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12

“There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.”- William Butler Yeats

Monday, November 19, 2007

Just when you need Him

that's when He shows up. I know that you all know who I'm speaking of. God, of course.

This afternoon, while feeding Kai lunch, I don't know why, I had this urge to ask him to see his stitches. This is only the 2nd time since his surgery that I have done that since I know it hurts him to open wide and he is still very much in pain when he looks up. But, he complied. As I looked into his mouth, I felt like I was just sucker-punched. I realized that one of his stitches is opening up. I am by no means a doctor and although I am not 100% sure of what exactly I am looking at, I do know that when he opens and says "aaahhh", there is a gap in between two of the stitches. I tried so hard not to cry in front of him.

I finished feeding the kids, cleaned them up and put everyone into their car seats so we could pick up Amanda at school. While the three of them were busy chattering away, my mind was already thinking about the very probable surgery my sweet baby boy will have to have soon in order to correct this. Whether it's a fistula (a hole) or his entire palate falls apart, it doesn't matter at this point. I can't even fathom the thought of him being put under again, waking up in major pain, totally disoriented and feeling betrayed again. It's been 11 days since his surgery and he still ask me daily if "Mama go bye-bye?" It's so unfair. For the entire day I have felt sick to my stomach thinking about having to put him through all this pain, for nothing....only to have to do it all over again.

I put a call into the doctor, but haven't heard from him. I do know that the doctor said for me not to freak out (HA!) if his palate did open up. He reiterated that it would not be painful to Kai and certainly not something life threatening. We have an appointment next Monday, since Kai's doctor is in Orlando.

Tonight about 2 hours after I put him to bed, he woke up crying. Crying hard. I immediately took him out of the crib and he was still half asleep, but obviously hurting. I cradled him, sang to him and tried to get him to take some sips of water, but nothing soothed him. Finally, I was able to get him to take some Motrin and reassure him that Mama was with him and that I wasn't leaving. He fell asleep in my arms, sobbing softly in his sleep, while my tears drenched his little head. I prayed over him and asked the Lord to please let me be wrong. Let me walk into the doctor's office next week and have the doctor say to me, "the stitches are healing exactly as they should be and his palate is intact". After about an hour, I finally kissed him goodnight and layed him back down. He is sleeping soundly now.

The knot in my stomach remains. I can't stand seeing my children hurting. I'm sure there isn't a mother out there that could. It's killing me. I had a sweet friend remind me tonight that although Kai is going through so much now, what would his life have been like had he remained in China? I think of that often. I know the answer. He'd never have been able to speak. The thought sends shivers down my spine. I clearly want to erase any visions of the "what ifs" from my mind.

So, I sat here tonight after laying him down, just fooling around on the computer and waiting till I was tired enough to go to bed. God, as always, seems to intrude in my pity parties.

I decided to look at my site meter, which I don't do very often any more and noticed that a reader from Dallas (thank you!!!) had been to my site that was linked from another blog. I clicked on that blog and started reading. While I continued reading, I scrolled down to a post entry called "Ryan Hall". That caught my attention. Who the hec is Ryan Hall? Ryan Hall is an amazing young man. Soon you will see why for yourself. But tonight, he was even more amazing, because God led me to hear his message and reminded me (AGAIN! ...sheesh, Ohilda, when are you gonna learn?) that He was in control. There is no use in worrying when I can't do anything about it anyways. He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the creator of the Universe. Who better can I turn to?

So, now again, I am asking all prayer warriors to join me as I am lifting up my little guy and handing him over to our Lord for complete healing, if that is His will. If Kai will indeed need another surgery in the next 3 months, than I know the Lord will give me the strength, and give him the courage to get through it.

To my readers, to Ryan and to my God.....thank you for the reminders. My heart is at peace knowing that God loves my baby boy and He is in control.

Here is Ryan Hall's story.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:25-34


mommy24treasures said...

I am so sorry for your rough day. I do pray that Kai's pallet is healing as it should. I can just imagine that feeling in your stomach, as a mother I of course have felt that same feeling in similiar situations. I do thank God He guided you and encouraged you and strengthened you today. Prayers for all of your precious blessings.

geminirn said...

I'll continue to keep little Kai in my prayers.
Sending BIG HUGS to you!!

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