When sleep doesn't come....I write.

Yes, it's 3:32 a.m. I've been awake since 2 a.m., and have watched enough infomericals to finally drag myself out of bed. I'm behind on returning emails, but I promise I will soon!

Finally, after about an hour and a half of laying there, I came to the computer to read about Liberian adoptions (my new obsession) and pretty much to surf blogs. After a bit, I decided I would go ahead and share about our sweet baby girl's 3rd birthday.

Anna Grace turned 3 today!! (Thank you to those that emailed wishing her a happy birthday!) We had a small celebration at home with just family. It was nice and uneventful. She was so excited to once again be singing, "Happy Birthday, Anna Grace!"

Towards the middle of dinner, her eyes were a bit glassy and she wasn't her happy-go-lucky, non-stop-energy self. After everyone left, I took her into the bedroom to put on her pj's, and noticed she felt warm. I put the thermometer on her and lo and behold....103.7! Poor baby! She never even said she didn't feel well. Amanda is on antibiotics for strep, so I have a feeling that's where we are headed with her. Please, if you can, say a prayer for her quick recovery and that the other two little ones don't catch whatever it is she has. It would be so appreciated.

Throughout the day today, I spent a lot of it thinking about Anna Grace. I thought about how we celebrated her birthday last year with a baby shower awaiting her arrival. It's been a roller coaster of a ride since she's been home and we've both changed and grown so much. God is truly faithful and he sometimes pushes us out of the box so that we can grow closer to Him and so that He could mold us into the person He created us to be.

As Anna Grace lay asleep in my bed tonight, after I awoke at 2:00 a.m., I began pondering about how much I truly, truly love this angel. I thanked God and His Blessed Mother for finally giving me the grace of loving her completely and unconditionally. But, the icing on the cake is that I believe that she, too, finally loves me that same way. I can't tell you how often lately I am carrying her and she puts her sweet, little head on my shoulder and taps my back. Her sign of being content. Sort of like a cat purring. :) It melts my heart. I find myself walking around thanking God for her being in my life, numerous times throughout the day.

I also thought about her birthmother and wondered if she thought about Anna Grace today. She must have. I prayed that she some how knew that her baby was part of a family that loved her so much.

I thought about Anna Grace's abandonment and the reasons behind it. Was it because of her special need? Was it because she was a girl? Or simply, was it because God destined her to be our daughter. I choose to believe the latter.

Anna Grace has come such a long way. She loves her family and her family loves her. We still have struggles and I think we will for a long time to come, but I can handle them now. We both can handle them now.

Being Catholic, confession is one of our sacraments. I admit, not one of my favorites, but none-the-less, something that I very much need in my life. It just happened to be that one of those really, really bad days with Anna Grace (no eye contact, total defiancy, etc.) was a couple of weeks before Holy week. It was also the day that our church had a reconciliation mass. Our Lord knew I needed it. I remember going into the confessional and just bawling. God bless our sweet priest. He is so patient and compassionate, everything Christ wants each of us to be.

I apologize, I digress. It's late. Anyways, I will share this because although I know the confessional is confidential, I think that only pertains to the priest's end of it, and not mine, but I mostly want to share because I want to give God the glory for using this faithful servant to put things into perspective for me.

Back to the confessional. After I let out all of my negative feelings (which are not really sins), many of which I was ashamed of even feeling, he said to me. "We are all given crosses to carry and to bear. Anna Grace may just be your cross. Think about the cross we gave Jesus to carry, yet he loved us unconditionally and carried the cross, humbly and willingly until his death." WOW! Those were powerful words. Words I will never forget.

My first immediate reaction, as will probably yours be, was to think that my child could never be a burden, a cross. But, as the night passed and I prayed and I thought about his words, they were so true.

I've changed so much as a person with each of my adoptions. Beginning with my thoughts about birthmothers (with AJ), to becoming more of a humble human being and learning so much about humility from a child (with Kai), to being brought to my knees quite often asking the Lord to give me wisdom, guidance and the true heart of a mother towards Anna Grace. God has used this little girl to show me how to love unconditionally. To show me how to love as He loves. Not how to love when you are loved. Not how to love when you are needed. But how to love, truly blindly love, with all of your heart when it's most difficult to. To love when you are rejected, as our Lord was. Although His love is unchanging, I believe that's when He had to have loved us most.

I lay tonight watching her sleep, stroking her hair and thanking God for his faithfulness. His trust in believing that I could do this. Even at times when I didn't think I could. I know I could never have gotten this far without Him. It is because of Him that I have gotten this far.

A couple of times, when I was stroking her hair and whispering to her, through tears, how blessed we were to have her and how much I loved her, she stirred in her sleep and realized she was in my bed. She slightly opened her eyes and reached out for me to hold her hand. I did and she quickly fell back asleep with a smile on her face. The love in my heart at that moment seemed to fill my chest to a point where I thought it would explode.

The little girl that used to reach her arms out to strangers to be picked up, now runs to Mama when approached by strangers. She trusts and knows she is safe with me.

The little girl who hated being carried like a baby and nuzzled, who raged, scratched and hit, now says daily, "I wanna sit with Mama" as she climbs onto my lap to play with her toys, watch tv or just to be cuddled.

The little girl who cried incessantly when she first came home and I tried to put her in our bed to sleep with us, now begs to "sleep in Mama's bed" and falls asleep holding my hand.

The little girl who rarely gave me eye contact, who used to shut her eyes to block me out, now cradles herself in my arms and takes my face into her hands to make sure that I am looking at her when she speaks.

I am blessed beyond measure. Not once or twice, but countless times. Our God is a sovereign God who rejoices in our joy. Anna Grace is pure joy and I know that our Savior is smiling down and thinking, "It took a while for this Mama to get it. But, as always, I've done it again. A perfect match!"

Thank you, Jesus! Happy 3rd birthday, my beautiful girl!

Weekend Woes

Thursday evening we had a wonderful dinner celebrating Kai's 2 years home. We met with family at our favorite Chinese restaurant and I took lots of pictures. Kai truly enjoyed his day.

Friday, after dropping Kai off at school, I took off to the stores with AJ and Anna Grace. They love going to stores and we went from store to store for almost 5 hours, folks! Anyways, while at JoAnn's Fabrics, I picked up some face paints. The kids have been asking to paint their faces for quite some time. It's not something I've done before, but I figured I'd give it a try. My friend Tonya is a pro at this, and both Anna Grace and Kai have seen pics of her beautiful girls sporting their Mama's artwork, and they love it!

When Kai came home from school I took out the paints and they were ecstatic! After I got them calmed down enough to be able to sit, I began the face painting. Anna Grace turned out to be a beautiful butterfly and Kai was a roaring tiger. When I was all done with them, I had them close their eyes and stood them before the mirror. I counted to 3 and had them open their eyes. Oh! The looks on their faces were priceless, especially Anna Grace. She first looked very confused/scared, but then her little face broke out into that huge million dollar smile of hers! Kai saw his face and immediately the "R.O.A.R.I.N.G" began! AJ was curious about watching the other kids having their face painted, but he wanted no part of it on his own little face. I'm glad to say that Amanda joined in on the fun and she got her face painted like a doggie! Too cute! I, again, took lots of pictures.

Now here is where my "weekend woes" began. I took the kids outside with their painted faces and let them play with sidewalk chalk on the driveway. We had a great time and were playing the-tiger-chases-the-butterfly game. While they were doing this, I was clicking away with my camera. After a while, I went and put the camera on the roof of my van and started drawing alongside the kids on the driveway.

Shortly afterwards, Scott came home and told me he was making dinner. So, I brought the kids in, gave them baths and sat down with them to watch the movie, Snow White, while we waited for dinner. We ate, tucked them in and I went straight to bed since it had been such a busy day.

The next morning we started working in the yard. The kids were out there with their pails and shovels and AJ's little face was completely black with dirt. I ran inside to get my camera, and I couldn't find it. Then, I remembered that I had put it on the roof of my car. So, I go out to the garage. No camera. I'm now stressing and searching every nook and cranny for it. Scott notices and says, "What're you looking for?" I told him that I thought I had left my camera on the roof of the car but it wasn't there and that I couldn't find it.

He suddenly gets a very solemn look on his face and says to me, "When did you do this?" I said, "Late afternoon, before you came home." He then looked at me and said, "While you were watching the movie with the kids, I realized we were out of milk and I ran to the store!" I couldn't believe it. My camera was on the roof!!!!!! He then went into the lecture of "it wasn't a great place to put it...blah...blah....blah". But, he did start walking down to the end of the street looking for it.

I was so upset at myself. How could I be so stupid? The thing that bothered me most was that all of Kai's 2nd anniversary gotcha pictures were on that memory card.

A few minutes later, Scott was back. Empty handed. I just couldn't accept the fact that the camera was gone. At least, if I had it, we had purchased the accidental damage policy on it. I hopped in the car and decided to go drive slowly down the street looking for it. Nothing. By then, tears are streaming down my face. Of course, I was praying through my search. As I am pulling into the driveway back home, I notice something shiny in the neighbor's parkway. It was my camera! I leap out of the car and go running over, only to find that it was literally crushed. I tried turning it on and it turned on, only to see a huge spider-web looking design in the visibly destroyed LCD screen. BUT....God is always good. My memory card was intact!

Unfortunately, my laptop no longer reads memory cards, but it's ok. I know my pictures are on there and I can download them from Amanda's card reader. Thank you, Jesus!

Scott promised to get back on the phone with Hewlett Packard (he did this once before for me) and get me a new camera. He's hoping to keep this one when we finally get the Canon I want.

So, tomorrow for Anna Grace's small little 3rd birthday celebration at home, I will not be able to take pictures. My sister and Mom and coming and I'll be able to get a few with their cameras. For those of you that know me well, I HATE being without a camera. But, I guess worse things in life could happen....so I won't complain.

To close with my woes. I spent 6 hours preparing our tax return online so I could e-file it. When it was all done and I click to e-file it, I get a message that a return was filed on March 15 using this same Social Security number! Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. Somewhere, something went terribly wrong and the IRS is showing that they have accepted a return from us that we never filed. That will be tomorrow's task for the day. Don't you just love calling Uncle Sam? NOT! But again, worse things could happen.

Happy 2nd Forever Family Day, Sweet Kai!

Words could never truly express the love I felt on this day two years ago and continue to feel to this day. Kai, we thank God every day for you being in our lives. You have changed who I am. I believe in my heart, through God, you have made me a better person. You are an amazing little boy and have blessed our family beyond measure.

Here is my entry from Hangzhou, Zhejiang Province, two years ago, along with the pictures we posted that day.

TODAY IS DAY 6 OF JOURNEY TO KAI!
APRIL 3, 2006
Finally, 29 months and 10 days after we started our journey...
HE IS OURS!

4:25 AM

Oh my gosh! I can't sleep!! I went to bed at 9 pm....(Scott and the rest of the crew at 7:30 pm!!!) At 2 am. I open my eyes to find Scott playing video games on the computer. I toss and turn a while and try to go back to sleep. Finally, as I am dozing off, the phone rings! I thought it was our 6 am wake-up call...it was my brother calling to say Hello! ha!!

Anyways, God must've known I would need the extra time to release the emotions I am feeling inside. I want to say that it is a bit like when we were waiting for AJ, but it's not. This time, I know with everything I believe in that he IS ours....it's just a matter of hours now. I can't believe it. I am trying to find words to describe how I am feeling, but I can't find something to compare it to. I have had TOTAL peace within me from the time we left to the airport, that peace has not waivered. AAahhh....ok! As I am typing, I now have something to compare the feeling to. Some may not understand, but it is a good comparison to those who do. I feel like I do when I go on a retreat or spend some very special time with the Lord. That "HIGH" feeling that is unexplainable that only He can provide. You are in love with the world, you feel so filled with joy and marvel at the huge blessings that surround you....even small details such as air-conditioning or food at every meal, things we take for granted are just abundantly seen as HUGE blessings. That is the feeling!!! I AM COMPLETELY BLESSED!!!! God is so good to us and I cannot ever thank Him enough or give Him enough glory for all that He has done in our lives, and now the blessings will pour down even more by allowing us to raise yet another little one in His name!! Whew....tears are flowing!!!! Happy tears! Tears of joy! Life is so good. I wish I could bottle this feeling.

As I turn my thoughts to Kai, I pray that he is feeling that same peace. That his little heart be filled with the sense of love that we have had for him from the moment we scrolled down that computer page back in December, when we "knew" he was our son. There will be 4 families receiving their children with us....all from YiWu. Two of the families are with our agency, and two are with another agency. We are the only ones bringing home a little boy. So, that will help in pointing him out! :) I am so scared of not recognizing him, yet part of me feels that I have stared at that little face for sooooo many hours that there is no doubt I can look into those beautiful, almond shaped eyes and not know who my son is. To my son:

Kai,

I just want to tell you sweetie while we count down those last hours and minutes, that we understand the immense changes that you will be going through these next few weeks. We've heard you are very attached to your nanny and I thank God for that. That means that she has loved you and cared for you as best as she could. And in turn, I am praying that you have been able to reciprocate that love to her. Baby boy, please know that we will love you eternally. There is no bond stronger than that of Mother and Child. You were conceived in my heart and I have felt every second, of every day that I have waited for you, that you were meant to be ours. We love you with such an intense, powerful love already that I cannot imagine it getting any stronger, but I know it will....and yes, there will be many tough times, but we will make it through together, as a family. That is what families are for. And you, my little one, are now and always will be a part of ours. I love you more than words could ever say and I am counting down the minutes till I can look at your sweet face, give you kisses and feel your soft skin!! I love you so very much, Kai!!!

Mommy

To my friends and family....I can't say it enough. Thank you so much for your support. No doubt it is getting me through this emotional time. I feel like you are all here with me. This time, I promise, the next post (on this same page) will be with Kai in my arms.

Love to all.....

Ohilda

WE HAVE HIM!!!!!!!

Wow!! Magical moment indeed!! At 8:45 we went down to the lobby and met up with Mike & Joshua Mansfield, who are here to adopt Sophie, their daughter and little sister. We sat and nervously laughed about what we were headed into. After a couple of pictures, I noticed our guide standing in the lobby. We all bolt towards her and head to the van taking us to the Civil Affairs Office.

Once there, our guide explains that the babies have already arrived. She also says that they are up on the 6th floor and that because there are no elevators, we'd have to walk up the stairs! Piece of cake...I'd walk up Mount Everest at this point, just get me to my boy. I ask Scott to turn on the video camera so we can record the long walk up the stairs. We open the door to the building and there are two Chinese ladies there with 3 very small babies. They were so cute! I had my camera out and was about to go into "baby stalk mode" when I hear the guide say....these are your babies. Then there was mayhem! Total confusion! At least in my mind there was. I hear Scott and my Mom say, "There's Kai!" I'm looking around saying..."Where? Where?" They keep pointing to the 3 little babies. I look at them closely and then notice that the little one in the middle is looking back...then I notice that faint scar on his lip! This was Kai! Oh my God! He was sooooooooooo tiny! I was expecting a little boy....this was a baby. A little baby! We are all standing around for a second and I'm ready to pounce on him.

The guide says, "They are waiting for the Director who went to get some breakfast!" I stood there for about a split second before saying...."Can I hold my baby?" She said "Sure!" No formalities...nothing. It was just us there with him and two other little ones. The Mansfield's baby was not in the room. So, I bend down slowly and pick him up. The nanny (not his) says "Wen Kai...Mama" That was it. I was head over heels in love! Oh my gosh, he was beautiful and ever so tiny! Soooo quiet. Taking in everything around him. His eyes just looked from one person to the next. Then we are told we have to go upstairs to the 6th floor. I hand him over to Scott who was just as speechless as I was. I must've kissed him 1000 times before handing him over. Abuela Titi and Amanda also got their turns in loving him a bit before we had to continue on with the paperwork. We arrive upstairs and he is still looking around. Not a peep out of him, but very serious. Amanda takes him over to an open window and all of a sudden this HUGE glee explodes from within him and he starts to babble. We are not sure if it was Chinese or baby talk, but it was the cutest thing I've ever heard. Of course, we then went to the window 100 times! The other families had also received their babies by then and poor Sophie was screaming up a storm!!! I felt so bad for poor Dad, but Joshua took the helm and off he went with his little sister. A few minutes later she was much calmer. Cindy, your guys did good!! You should be very proud! :)

We did all of our paperwork, and after about 2 hours I prepared a bottle for him. I was a bit nervous because of his open palate, well, he taught me that he will eat and drink whatever is in front of him. The nannies had given him some cookies and he was munching away. So, in went the nipple and down went the milk! He guzzled it down in no time. I am amazed by his eye contact. We got lost in each other's eyes as I fed him. He even gave me a half smile as he drank his bottle! He is sooooo very thin though, and has some eczema, although not too bad, and a bit of a cough....other than that, he seems very healthy!! THANK YOU, LORD!

Harrah's had given us a book as a gift called "When I was born in China". I brought the book with me and had the orphanage director write Kai a message. He wrote a full page!! I haven't had an opportunity to ask our translator to read it to me, but I will. But what makes me happiest is that he gave us his phone number AND email address! I will try and keep the contact and send pictures so that he sees how much Kai will always be loved and well cared for. After all of the paperwork was done (about 3 hours later) we took a family picture with the orphanage director and the deputy director and off we headed. Back to the hotel!

Ahhh...I had forgotten to mention that it was about 80 degrees here today. Kai arrived in a thermal suit, with a sweater and a long sleeved shirt underneath. Along with leggings and thermal pants. I slowly peeled off the layers at the Civil Affairs Office. When we arrived at the hotel, we came upstairs and decided to give him a bath. He was sweating profusely from all of those clothes. I laid him on the bed and started removing clothing. It made me so sad to see how thin he was. Then, to my shock I noticed a rope around his diaper. I am assuming it was put on to make sure the diaper didn't fall off, but it was wrapped so tightly that he had marks on his hips 3 hours later. I can't thank the Lord enough for having sent us this little creation. I promise with all of my being that he will be so loved and cared for. Never will he have to deal with lack of food, being hot or cold or even having ropes tied to him. My heart aches thinking about it. That said, it was evident that they loved him so very much. I was holding him and from across the room he caught a glimpse of his nanny and then the adorable little glee came screeching out! Oh my God, how can I be so in love with this little person so soon after seeing him!! My heart swells with pride with each of my children and for the fifth time in my life now, I can say that I am totally and unconditionally, forever in love! He is PERFECT!!

By the way, Grandma Bombardier...he is obsessed with the little Kai Bear you gave him. It is now a permanent appendage to him! :)

I will write later about the rest of our day, but for now.....here are some pictures and videos.

Hugs from a very happy Bombardier Family,

Scott, Ohilda, Amanda and a very proud Grandmother, Abuela Titi