Finally, the much awaited post about one of China's most precious Princesses, our beautiful Anna Grace Fengqin is complete.
On Father's Day two years ago, after an hour of coaxing and bribing, this beautiful, little girl was placed
shoved in my arms.
She trembled with fear as her entire world, in an instant, completely changed. She did not recognize the people she was told was going to be her "new family". We spoke, looked, and even smelled differently. She couldn't understand a word we were saying. All she knew was that everything familiar to her was suddenly gone. Vanished.
So, it's no surprise that going from this...
has been a challenge, a total surprise, and one that I thought I was never equipped to handle.
In walked God.
Yep, I must say, The Man knows it all!
I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined Anna Grace's attachment issues to be so intense, but it certainly was no surprise to God. It was no surprise to Him that I would be chosen to love and nurture a little girl who's needs I felt totally unequipped to handle. He equipped me.
But, most of all, it was no surprise to Him that I would need a very poignant reminder of how much He unconditionally loves me and loves Anna Grace.
He gave me that reminder. She was etched into our hearts on Father's Day 2007.
His plan, as always, was perfect.
Anna Grace is a constant reminder to me of The Father's love. A love so pure. A love so real, that it's almost unfathomable.
How many times have I disappointed Him?
How many times have I rejected Him?
How many times have I been angry at Him?
How many times have I walked away thinking He doesn't love me?
How many times have I wanted to curl up in His arms but have been afraid because I've felt I'm not deserving of it?
Yet, how many times throughout all of it has He given up on me and stopped loving me?
Oh, yes! I'm sure there have been many, many times when I've done something wrong that He's shaken His head in total frustration and thought, "What am I going to do with this girl? When is she going to learn?" But he's never, ever stopped loving me. He's never left my side.
And it's that, my dear friends, that has helped make me a better mother.
Oh, being spat on, kicked, hit, lied about, cursed at and betrayed has been very, very hard. But, if I stop myself at the very moment that this is occuring and see Anna Grace through God's eyes, see her as His child, my heart immediately changes. Every single time.
I've also realized in the past few months that she really never knew how to love. Oh, she knows the words to say. She know the actions. But, the feelings are so confusing to her little heart and mind that I think it almost paralyzes her. I've even caught her standing feet away from us with a curious look on her face as I play, cuddle and kiss AJ or Kai. As if she's learning. We're both learning as we go, but there's one thing I know. I love my baby girl with a fierce motherly love that only a mother could have.
This is not to say that she isn't given consequences to her actions. Quite the opposite. She knows that privileges will be taken away with her actions and we are very consistent with this. Very consistent. She absolutely needs that much structure in her little life, but especially in the past few months, I've been speaking to her about the comparison in Jesus' love to a Daddy and Mommy's love. I remind her almost constantly that nothing she could say or do will ever stop me from loving her. Ever.
Although in my mind and heart I know that the love that the Father has for us is completely unimaginable and cannot be compared, I want her to realize that still, two years later, it does not matter how much she tries, I will never, ever give up on her. I will love her till my dying breath.
But you know what the best part is?
I know. I KNOW. She loves me, too! THAT MAKES IT ALL WORTH IT!
These past two years have been a roller coaster ride that at times has made my stomach feel like it's in knots as we spin and turn and soar. Other times it has taken my breath away. But mostly, I love looking back and thinking that when the ride is over, my most overpowering feeling is the one that makes me want to shout, "Let's do it again!"
God knew that with Him by my side, I could handle it. Before time was created Anna Grace Fengqin was destined by Him to be our little girl.
On occasions, I even surprise myself at how well we know each other now. We know how the other one thinks. It's scary sometimes. But, it makes me laugh. Biology is so over-rated! She is completely and unmistakably my daughter and I am honored and blessed to be her Mama!
"I CAN do all things through Him who strengthens me"..... Philippians 4:13