It's taken me a bit to get back to that same mindframe that I was in yesterday, so please bear with me as I pick up where I left off with my thoughts during the brief weed-picking session.
I do want to again say thank you all that have written me with words of support and encouragement (and even the offer to help pick the weeds!! :). To those that have stated that my words have helped your situations, thank you. Please know that my prayer is that whatever I post will be used to honor and give glory to our Lord, who is so worthy of praise.
Now, going back to the weeding. One of my thoughts was something that I had recently read and I can't seem to get out of my mind because I have caught myself doing it quite often when the need arises. We, Christians, are always trying to "negotiate" with God. I've seen myself trying to make deals, "Lord, if you give me this....I promise to do that.", etc. I don't know if God is up there laughing at my ignorance or having pity upon me, whichever the case, my heart tells me that you don't negotiate with God, I wish my brain would follow. As I said in my previous post, there is nothing I could do to make Him love me less. Yes, sometimes His will is not what my will is, but in the end all things work out for His glory and the good of those who love Him. (I need to keep telling myself that.)
Two days ago, I received a confirmation of Kai's VPI surgery. His palate, although repaired, is short and thus not allowing him to make certain sounds. This condition also allows air to escape through his nasal passages giving his a hypernasal sound when he speaks.
The surgery will be in Orlando since his doctor no longer practices here. I am so filled with mixed emotions over this surgery. First, I think about my poor little man. I can't even describe what a trooper Kai is. This will be his 6th surgery in his short 3.5 years of life. His palate surgery ended up being much more traumatic, for both of us, than was expected. In addition to pretty bad pain, he had a reaction to the morphine and what was supposed to be a 2 night stay in the hospital ended up being a 5 night stay, with 3 of the nights being in ICU.
As a mother, there is nothing more painful than seeing your child go through such hardships and not being able to do anything about it. But, I am eternally grateful to our Father that He has allowed me the privilige of being by Kai's side the entire time. Which leads me back to the hospital stay. We are hoping that he will be in ICU one night, and then 1 night in a regular room and finally discharged on the 3rd day. The doctor's office has arranged for us, Scott and I, to get a room at the Ronald McDonald House which is literally about 50 feet away from the hospital. I won't leave my baby alone, but since one of us needs to be coherent and well-rested, Scott will go there to sleep at night and I will go to shower while Scott stays with Kai sometime during the day. Please keep him in your prayers. I will post more about this as time gets closer.
After thinking about Kai's surgery, while weeding, I again thought about the negotiations with God. How we think that if we pray more often and all of a sudden behave how a "Christian should behave", God will in turn bless us and grant us our prayers. Yet, the book of Matthew (10:30) tells us that "even the very hairs of your head are all numbered." Well, if God focuses such incredible attention to detail, where is the trust? There is no need to be praying harder and trying to make deals, not that God doesn't want us to do that. He fasted and prayed many times to His Father when here on earth. What I am trying to say is that it is the humaness in us that begins to grasp for straws when we finally realize we are not the ones in control.
Although I love my God with my entire heart and soul, I feel like my faith is so small at times. And He knows this. He's allowed us to have the faith of a mustard seed and still be able to move mountains. The apostles asked the Lord to increase their faith (Luke 17:5). Jesus' response? "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you." I have to trust and believe that He will take care of my baby and that the surgery will be successful so that Kai can begin to speak clearly. The greatess desire of my heart would be for Kai to stand before the parishioners at our church one day and witness (in clear, articulated words) to God's love and what the Lord has done for him. I live for that day and, again, I have to believe that God is in control and that all will be well.
The last of my thoughts after Kai's surgery took me back to Anna Grace. As I mentioned yesterday, she is progressing so well with her attachment now. She understands much of what I say, although I know that her receptive language still is not 100%. Therefore, how much does she understand? Who knows. She can follow instructions, but can she understand an explanation of events? This is where I can't let fear set in. As Kai's surgery date approaches, I need to start explaining to her that Mama and Daddy will be taking Kai to the doctor. Since we will be in another city, she won't see us for about 5 days. That's a LONG time for a two year old when you don't really understand where your parents went. I am terrified of a huge setback, but am preparing for it. I am also preparing for whatever I can do to reassure her that Mama has not abandoned her and that although I will not be the one tucking her in at night, that Mama is still there and thinking about her every day.
She will be staying with my sister during this time. I am going to prepare a few small interactive video clips that my sister can show her on the computer, much like I did for Kai when Scott and I went to Tennessee earlier this year. According to my sister, they worked wonders. I will be singing to her our ritual good night song, be asking her if she was a good girl for Ayi and will be repeatedly telling her on the videos that Mama and Daddy will be back soon. Will it work? Lord, I hope so! But, since there is nothing I can do to change the circumstances, I cannot drive myself crazy over it. I have to trust that God in His omnipotence is everywhere and while He is healing Kai's palate, He is also continuing to heal Anna Grace's heart. If you are a praying person, please keep my babies in your prayers.
Throughout scripture, His most repeated command is "do not be afraid". That is what I ask for you to pray for me. Fear is not of God and He goes before me always. I have to believe!
I am humbled and thank you all for sharing in this journey with me. God bless!
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