On Tuesday, it will be 3 months since we first held Anna Grace. This little stubborn, obstinate, hard-headed baby girl with a broken heart and a smile that melts mine has truly given me a run for my money. She has challenged every thought and every emotion I could possibly fear. She has made me question my abilities to parent, to make decisions and most of all, if I could truly love her. Love was not instant for either of us. I never thought I would be saying those words since I had fallen in love with an image of what I thought she was, through pictures. I envisioned sweetness, love and kisses galore. Instead, I faced anger, rage, hatred and defiancy. She pushed my patience sometimes to the point that I had to walk away, many times in tears. I have felt like a failure as a mother and questioned "what have I done?" on more than one occasion. All symptoms of what attachment could bring into a family.
Many times I prayed hard that God would intervene, but in His infiinite wisdom, he sometimes allows us to go through that desert alone. Why? So we could continue to cry out to Him. Many times I did, and I'm sure if my little sweetie truly knew who God was, she'd be calling out to him also. But as always, I will turn every blessing into praise, and Lord...I thank you and give you all the glory and honor for this blessing and for the difficult journey, it has made it all the sweeter.
I have always been very honest with my feelings and this time is no exception. I was told and promised by many that it was part of the grieving process and that if I worked hard, she would indeed love me. I waited, worked at it, prayed and still dreaded waking up in the mornings. I was guilt ridden for what I had "done to our family". But, I persisted with holding time, sometimes 3, 4 or 5 times a day. I tried to show her unconditional love, even at times when I wanted to give up. God could see the frustration and would allow me to see hints of the real little girl. The one hiding under the tough exterior. The one that was so scared to love for fear of abandonment. The little girl who rejected me daily because she didn't want to feel the pain of being left again and who thought it was safer not to love or trust. Those glimpses that God gave me were the sips of water that allowed me to get through my time in the desert. Sometimes, I'd see an oasis on the horizon. She'd smile and love and play with me, but the next day I would pay for it dearly. She hated herself for allowing herself to show me affection and would completely revert back to the scared little girl with broken wings, who would close herself up into her world and not allow me in, but instead travel the opposite direction and rage and pretend that she hated me. I started to catch on.
Well, through God's grace, love and more patience than I ever thought I could muster, we've come so very far. There are days now that I just sit and watch her with tears welling up in my eyes. She is indeed that beautiful child I had conjured up in my mind through pictures. Actually, she is more. She has a very high pitched little voice that giggles constantly and loves yelling out "Mama, Mama". She wants no one else but me to comfort her when she is hurt. I glance at her across the room and she breaks out into that gorgeous smile showing all of her pearly-white little teeth. At times, the smile isn't enough and she will stop what she is doing and run over to me, arms wide open, to hug and kiss me. She kisses me 20 times a day without my asking, and each kiss is sweeter than the one before. Where she hated sitting on my lap and holding me, she now climbs up like a little kitten and snuggles into my arms. When she is scolded for not behaving, she waits to see my reaction; to see if I still love her. When I tell her that I love her but that I am not happy with what she did, it's ok. She smiles in knowing that there is nothing that she can do to shatter the love and bond we have been working so hard to create. We still have days that she regresses and I'm not quite sure what triggers it, but the good days now outweigh the bad, by far.
Each day I love waking up in the morning and seeing her run to me to give me good morning kisses, instead of watching her close her eyes tightly shut and just freeze at the sight of me. God is good and he does keep his promises. I love my girl more than I ever thought possible. She has captivated my heart, my soul and my very being. I am her Mama and it feels so darn good to be able to say it while feeling that fierce love that only a Mama could have. Thank you, Jesus and thank you to all that have prayed hard for this stage to finally arrive. I know prayers have been answered and many of you picked up the baton and prayed for me, when I thought that it was an impossible feat and I could no longer go on. Nothing is impossible with God.
(Once again, please remember to shut down the background music to watch the video).
