That's the sound of my heart beating. Racing actually, as I think about this precious gift God has blessed me with.
Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Every sadness comes with joy in the morning.
As many of you know, sweet hubby's new job takes him away much more than we like and much more than we expected. I miss him in a big way and so do the kids.
But as Scott said in his post yesterday, "God's plan is amazing!" While we are missing Daddy, God knew it was more important to push Anna Grace's attachment to me to another level. I believe Sweet Hubby's new business endeavor entailed a lot more in God's plan than just financial provision. He's created the time for our bonding to grow.
Our girl's been sleeping in her own bed since two weeks after coming home from China. She didn't sleep well with us, which in turn made us not sleep well either. So, I gave in and let her sleep in her bed.
Now that Daddy's away, I've asked her to be my buddy at night. A special treat since the kiddos really only sleep with us when they are sick. Twice I've been awakened by her little hand on my face. I've opened my eyes and found her within inches from me, just staring at me, as if she were in different world. Staring at me with love in her eyes. What an awesome gift to wake up to!
Tonight after putting on her pj's, she asked me if she could sleep in my bed again. I scooped her up and whispered, "Of course! You're my baby girl!" She smiled and put her head on my shoulder as I carried her to the bed. I then said to her, "Anna Gracie, ssshhh.....Don't tell the boys!" She loves when she can do something special that the boys can't do. She giggled and responded with, "You the best Mama in the whole whirl!"
I've now been laying next to her, watching her sleep for about an hour. My thoughts traveled back to China. To that day 27 months ago when I held a scared little girl who seemed to hate everything about me. I then thought about the months that have transpired after that. The intensity of her attachment issues and how hard she's fought to get me to push her away, to reject her, to give up on her. We've struggled at times, but I've always reassured her that I will never, ever give up on her.
The night's also brought many thoughts of my persistence in telling her that it didn't make a difference how much she hated me, how badly she treated me, how badly she misbehaved, the bottom line is that, she is our daughter and always will be. We may not love what she does, but we love her. That will never change.
I think about each time I remind her (sometimes 2 and 3 times a day) that God created her especially for our family and that's where she belongs and where she's always going to stay. Many times, there's no response, except for the faint little breath of relief that she emits as she exhales, and the tension releases from her little shoulders. Her body relaxes and she feels secure. Words don't say it, but it's written all over her. She knows she's home.
Tonight has made my heart soar when I think about how much I love my beautiful baby girl. Twenty seven months ago, we were two strangers, both scared of what the future held for us.
Today we are Mother and Daughter. For better or worse, love has no boundaries. We're not at the end, but we're walking through the valleys and the mountains together.
Anna Grace, I love you more than you could ever imagine and I thank God he chose me over all the women in the world, to be your Mama!