"Once our eyes are opened, we cannot pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12

“There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.”- William Butler Yeats

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Day Finally Arrived

For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning. - Psalm 30:5

Last week I was telling a friend on Facebook how odd I seemed to find it, especially with my being a big cry-baby by nature, that during everything that's happened in the past 6 weeks, I've never broken down or cried excessively. Oh yes, I was scared and I was worried, but for some reason, the tears never flowed like they would normally do for me in a situation like this.

Well God, in his usual manner, heard and agreed that it was time for me to break. Yesterday, while Anna Grace and AJ napped, I layed down to try and see if I could close my eyes. I can't express how worn down and tired I felt. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. I surrounded myself by my cell phone, house phone (waiting for doctors to call) and began reading my bible. Specifically Psalm 23. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me". Over and over I read this particular verse. Fear is my nemesis. I try so hard to not allow myself to fall into that abyss. That point of darkness. But yesterday, I was overwhelmed. Anna Grace's attachment and sadness, Kai's continuing struggle to breathe, my desperate need for sleep, and mostly the the false feeling (obviously coming from the enemy) that it's my job to keep everything and everyone together. I broke. I cried out to God. I yelled out to satan. I praised my Lord, begged Him for mercy and for healing for my babies. I thanked Him for being so omnipotent and sovereign and finally surrendered. On my knees, I bowed down. Eyes closed. I pleaded with Him to take it all away from me. I didn't want to carry these burdens. These are His children. I am His child. He loves us all unconditionally, with each of our brokenness. I begged Him for relief and thanked Him for having allowed those nails to pierce His sacred flesh and allow His precious blood to flow in order for us to have life. I never did get to sleep. But I did feel His arms carry me. My afternoon changed. My spirit changed.

He's never left my side. But in His usual gentlemanly manner, He was waiting for me to come to Him. He didn't want to push Himself upon me, only to be brushed away because I felt I needed to control the situation. Again, more lies.

That leads me to sharing about what's happening with all of the kiddos, since a lot of you have been asking.

First, AJ. Thank you Lord for this little guy. He's doing great...praise God! But I just wanna share a quickie of one of his daily "AJ-isms" that keep me in stitches. He is so funny and smart. I honestly don't know where he comes up with the things he does.

Last night we were all at the table eating dinner. As he was chewing, I heard him say something, which immediately made me turn my head. I looked at Scott and said, "Did you hear what AJ said?" He said, "No." I then turn back to AJ and said, "What did you say? Mama didn't hear you." He gives me the cutest little grin and says, "This family is gooooooood times!" Heh!! The kid cracks us up!

Next Amanda. She's doing great (again, praise God!). Her softball career will be ending in a couple of weeks and I must admit I'm sort of glad because the team has not fared well this season. To be honest, most games were agonizing. Her grades are excellent in school and for the most part, she's a happy camper with the exception of the few days a month that the teenage hormone monster creeps in. But, it's bearable.

Movin' on to the next li'l critter. Anna Grace. Oh, Anna Grace. My poor baby girl is definitely still in need of prayer. I never got to write about our homecoming so I will try it sum it up quickly.

There we were. We had just walked through the door of Po-Po's house on the day we arrived home. AJ's piercing scream for Mama shattered windows and his little arms wrapped around me like an octopus. Pure joy! My heart raced as I seeked out Anna Grace. There she sat in a dining room chair with a look on her face that made it difficult to determine whether she was angry or sad. Experience told me both. Not a sound was coming from her.

I ran over and knelt down beside her. She glared blankly at me. I then scooped her up and said, "Oh my gosh!! I missed you sooooooooooo much baby girl! Did you miss Mama? I couldn't wait to get back home to see you!" Her response? Nothing. She hung on me like an ironing board would have. Rigid and non-emotional. I then sat with her in the holding-time position (cradled like a baby). I softly asked her repeatedly to look into my eyes. That was so difficult for her. She'd do so for a few seconds at a time, with repeated reminders. Long story short, she began crying. Wailing. I held her tightly and told her over and over how much I loved her. How I would never, ever leave her. I reminded her that Mama always comes back and that I understood she was angry and sad. I kept asking her to speak to me. Nothing. The reassurance continued for almost an hour as she shook crying, letting out every ounce of pain her little heart was holding in. Finally, after my repeatedly asking, "Are you mad at Mama? Tell Mama why're you sad. It's Ok, baby." she burst out, "Yes! You left me! You left me at Po-Po's house! You not come back!" And the crying ensued. My heart thanked Jesus for allowing her to verbalize her feelings. A huge brick had been destroyed from the well built wall she had formed in the 12 days I was in the hospital with Kai.

Since then, we've definitely seen a lot of regression, but every day I have been consistent in reminding her several hundred times a day Mama will never leave her and that it doesn't matter what she does, Mama will always love her. I tell her she is my baby girl, a special gift sent from God to our family and that I am her Mama forever.

After much thought, prayer and discussing it with Scott, we both decided that she needed much more one-on-one bonding time with Mama than what she was getting. School is important, but her emotional needs are more important right now. By the time she gets home from school, bathes, I make dinner, she eats, the night is over. We decided to keep her from school for a while until she stabilizes a bit and is reassured that neither she nor I are going anywhere. We are a family. Forever.

Yesterday was her first "full-time" day at home with Mama and we both loved it. We went to the library where AJ went in to the pre-k program alone for an hour like a "big-boy" and Anna Grace and I remained outside reading stories about Mama's and their daughters. We shared laughs, giggles and even some of those serious moments where her attachment issues make her wonder if it's safe to love. It was a great day. I'm also rocking her to sleep every night, which I haven't done in a while. She's tense and rigid, but after an hour or so (yes, an hour) she begins to relax and eventually falls asleep in my arms. God is good!

I am also preparing her for another Mama-has-to-go-away episode. Next week. With Kai.

To be continued....


Sherri said...


Thanks for posting this update. That sweet girl will come back. I know it. Is there a way she could come with you in this next step for Kai?

I'm praying for you. You sound so much better. Sleep is a good thing.

Jill said...

Ohilda, you inspire me in SO MANY WAYS dear friend! Your love of God, Scott, your kids...I know it is a set back with Anna Grace yet she is a SMART girl and there WILL BE seperations from time to time...I pray for the day that you will leave her and she will confidently KNOW you will be back!!! I think it is a STELLAR idea for you to keep her home from school for a period of time...what fun at the library!
Thanks for the update. I am praying DAILY for your family!!

Katie@ThisCrazyLife said...

I wish you luck w/ Anna Grace. It sounds like there is some progress being made ther though. I will keep you all in my prayers!

Aus said...

Hey Lady - I was kind of wondering about AG - think maybe I asked about that! The bonding vs. the needs of other kids is a fierce battle! As for keeping her home for a few days - that idea isn't good - IT'S BRILLANT!! Not too long - don't make it a 'reward' for the bad behavior (our attach kids are also incredibly smart / clever / and if anything like mine - pretty good at manipulation! But a couple days for 'mom time' won't hurt a stinkin thing!

Wondering about your response from the Father after you decided to seek him out? Go re-read the above - that was an Inspired decision!

Looking forward to the next installment - in the meantime lots of love - hugs - and prayers!

aus and co.

Elisabeth- Truly Blessed said...

I am praying for you, dear friend. I can't imagine the frustrations/anguish you are feeling trying to be the "perfect" mother to everyone, but DON'T. It is so hard for me to let go of things. I have, in my own stubborness, come to a place of peace. A place where God meets me and allows me to feel free. No human can do it all, be it all.
Your sweet Anna Grace will be okay. Just keep your eyes focused on Him. God has big plans for her!
In Him,

B said...

O -
Oh I am sobbing. I cry when AG cries. How brilliant are you to arrange these special days with her. It is all so much - but you are her Mama and I am in love with how much you love her. I know you want to be everything to everyone and even I am guilty of demanding a piece of you by wanting to keep up with all that goes on. You have set the bar so high for yourself....Please make time to take care of YOU. I know that is easy to say and harder to do - xoxooxoox,B

Teresa said...

As a sister in the "I have to manage it all" club, I understand your need to take care of everything. THANK YOU for your testimony of bowing before our Lord and surrendering it all up to Him. I SO needed to read these words today, to remind me that I'm not in charge and that when I allow God to be God, everything is as it should be.
My prayers continue for all of your family, especially for Kai's physical healing and Anna Grace's emotional healing. Enjoy your days with your daughter this week.

Nicole said...

Praying for you my friend!

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